^^^ the restrictions are not mine. I only ever had one restriction: that I have the final say on the remote. I just thought all of these up to save us giving them a topic each. Widen the net so to speak. Ps Be honest now, which of these restrictions tickled your fancy?

Heh. I'm afraid you're late with that advice, darling.

I shall not marry a woman taller than me. I shall not marry a woman fatter than me. I shall not marry a woman richer than me. I shall not marry a woman that loves me more than I love her. I shall not marry a woman that went to mixed schools. I shall not marry a woman that went to girls’ only schools. I shall not marry one that puts on makeup. I shall not marry one that wears trousers. I shall not marry one that owns a mobile phone. I shall not marry a woman that drives. I shall not marry a woman that does not speak her mother tongue. I shall not marry a woman with a career. I shall not marry a woman with no ambitions. I shall not marry a woman with small hips. I shall not marry a woman that uses chemical products. I shall not marry a woman that argues back. I shall not marry a woman that never talks. I shall not marry a woman that doesn’t cover up. I shall not marry an uptight woman. I shall not marry a woman that smiles at me. I shall not marry a woman that smiles at other men. I shall not marry a woman that proposes to me. I shall not..I shall not..I shall not. You hear?

The TFG needs to win hearts and minds, saaxib. Ok, strike the minds bit. It’s almost impossible to do that in our rumour operated society. At the moment, and because Mr Yusuf is president, most other people perceive the TFG as an organisation driven, controlled and manipulated by one and only one clan. It may be a wrong perception and might even be an absurd one but that’s how things stand. One of the many things that will pacify these other clans (lets just be blunt for a bit, shall we) would be the voluntary resignation of Mr Yusuf (a forced removal would be more convincing and might stem the rumour mills a bit but that’s very unlikely). The man stands as a living representation (in the eyes of everyone else) of all that is bad about his clan (rightly or wrongly of course). As long as he is president, he will have opposition from almost all sides. Still, if I was to be asked to name one Somali person that would have the ability, cunning and slyness to control all the disruptive factions in the TFG and always remain one step ahead of the opposition, I really can’t look beyond Mr Yusuf. He, love him or hate him, towers over all else before him. Yet, he is also handicapped by most people’s opposition to him personally. It’s a catch-22 here and one can never imagine a way out of this (other than a resignation). I don’t know if there will be an insurgency as most observers keep telling us. Even if there is, I doubt it will be anything large scale. Then again, our fellow Somalis never cease to surprise us with they way the think and their motivations for acting the way they do. Still, the only thing I’m sure of is that the political games, arguments and fallouts will be very spectacular and I’m not planning to miss a day of it all.

^^^ That cute photo of the president smiling must annoy the hell out of you.

Lets cut to the chase, people. How much is he getting paid?

Good analysis. What it ignores though is the irreconcilable mistrust and hatred found amongst the Somali factions and the haphazard nature of American foreign policy.

Originally posted by xiinfaniin: ^^Adeer i was the only one (who responded to your thread) who did not find it funny. I have niether hurried nor was there a shame of mine to hide! If your overriding motivation is to lampoon however, with all means do contnue! I must admit though that i held your target a little higher than you aimed ! Too bad, i say. No you were not. Besides, humour is a matter of taste and I didn't really expect everyone to find it funny. I think the point about the 'zip' went over your head there. Again, the irony here is that I didn't really invent anything new in this thread. Almost everything I hinted at has been talked about on this forum or elsewhere. I think where we differ is in our take of this situation. I follow the Arabic saying of : Sharro-al-baliyaati-ma-yodxik, while you choose to feel numb about the whole thing. ps For none-Arabic speakers: the saying is loosely translated as: The most unpleasant of predicaments is that which makes one laugh.

Xiin, When people point and laugh at someone because his zip is undone, he usually does not see the joke either but in most cases, he hurriedly does his zip and hides his shame. The funny thing here - my mockery aside - is that most of what I put in there is really what has been circulating in the news recently. One really can’t even make it up if one tried and that’s the irony to end all ironies. Still, it pleases me to continue with the lampooning and, that, honestly, is my most overriding motivation.

^^ I see that I underestimated the problem when I thought three months would be enough to sort you out. Of course I would make jokes of your Ahmed what’s his name and others (I only stop at the almighty and his prophets, angels, etc). I’ve done this before and I don’t think I should spend a long time going over it again. You see, jokes by their nature are WRONG, my humourless friend. If it were not wrong, if it was not lampooning or parodying someone it would not be funny. The whole idea of a joke is to bypass our usual moral defences and allow us to laugh at certain behaviours, attitudes and predicaments. ps If you still maintain that there are jokes that aren’t wrong, I would love see an example. Care to oblige me? The floor is yours.

Originally posted by Devilangle: seriously, ... believe me, this discrimination thing is tip of the iceberg. So grow a pair and learn 2 stand up 4 urself coz no one will stand up 4 ya. Fyi instead of telling us this “ all am saying is that next time you all see someone out of your skin color dont' talk shit but have the time to get to know them ” .. y don’t u go and tell those who r doing this 2 ya.. seriously, I don’t blame those jahillings who discriminate but I do blame those who let them! A pair of what?

^^^ This is beyond a simple case of bad comprehension. You need to learn the meaning of irony, sarcasm, satire, parody and basic humour, friend. You accuse me of hate but HATE, my uncultured friend, is a strong word. I neither hate nor love any of the individuals in Somali politics. Nonetheless, you asked me to do something constructive, and that I’ll gladly do. It has not escaped my attention that you are a new Nomad and therefore, for a period of three months, I shall take you under my wings and teach you the ropes. Of course, try as I might, I could never teach you to read or understand the different forms of humour, innuendos, nuances, connotations or subtexts. That’s something you need to work on yourself. What I will do however is to follow you around and observe your interactions with the other Nomads here. Whenever you misunderstand the subtext in their offerings and start making the wrong replies I shall be there to explain and restrain you. In fact I shall become the Blue Fairy (or maybe Jiminy Cricket if you prefer) to your Pinocchio. In no time at all, I’ll have you turned into a real normal boy instead of the wooden humourless one that you are now. Welcome to SOL.

06/12/2006 From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed To: Sheikh Indha-cade (Delivered by hand) Salaam Akhi, Did you hear about the latest UN Council resolution regarding the lifting of the arms embargo? Well, it seems that those Ethiopian-loving traitors in Baidoa are going to legitimately get all the arms they want and might use that as a winning card in our forthcoming negotiations. We need to work fast. I have contacted Isaias and he suggested that we should flex our muscle a little and show those Ethiopians and their lovers that they’re dealing with a formidable foe. He also, now that the arms embargo is lifted, promised to send us a shipment of his best toy soldiers, complete with all their accessories. He swears that it’s the must have item this Eid, akhi. Anyway, I also spoke to Sheik Aweys and this is what we’ve agreed: We want you to call a press conference sometime this week or next (as long as it’s before our scheduled meeting with the traitors). In it, we want you to reiterate our belief that the Baidoa traitors harbour large numbers of Ethiopian soldiers (sprinkle your speech with things about Somalia being a Muslim country ..Somalia being defiled by the infidels and maybe a couple of hints about Jihad)! Next, we want you to declare that if the Ethiopian soldiers do not leave Somali soil voluntarily within seven months we shall be forced to declare open Jihad on them and remove them by force (along with their puppet traitors). Try to be brave akhi and talk as if you mean it. We want to put the fear of god in their hearts so that when we sit at the negotiation table they’ll be ready to concede to our demands. That is all for now, akhi. Salaam. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12/12/2006 From: Sheikh Indha-cade To: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed (Delivered by carrier pigeon) ii waran duqa, As you probably saw in the news, I have issued that warning and I think I included the correct mixture of persuasion, menace and piety in my words. Those traitors and their Ethiopian backers are all shaking in their boots now I bet. I have to congratulate you on a great strategy. For a former geography teacher, you are not a bad tactician, akhi. Now, if the seven days expire with no change taking place I think we should attack and have a few skirmishes with the enemy then retreat. We have to show everyone that we mean business. I eagerly await your further instructions. Maca Salaam. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 15/12/2006 From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed To: Sheikh Indha-cade (Taped letter) Salaam akhi, As you can see, I have taped my letter to you this time. In you last letter you asked for my latest instructions. Well, first of all, I instruct you to sack your secretary. I know how bad your eyes are, akhi (may Allah give you strength Insha Allah). I also know that you always get your secretary to read you all your letters aloud (some say you can’t read but I think this is an Ethiopian rumour). Akhi, your secretary made a great mistake! In my last letter I asked you to give a seven MONTH ultimatum, not seven days. Now, jazaka Allah, you dropped us right in it. How could we prepare and expect to win such a war at this short notice? Still, now that we are in it we have to stay true to our words (your words), akhi. We have to fight. I have instructed a couple of our known leaders to go to the pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia and pray for our swift victory. It seems that we are on our own now, akhi. Isaias phoned me yesterday and regretted to inform me that the Americans threatened him. He said that he’ll have to lay low for a while but promised to help us again in due time! Now, only Allah is on our side, akhi. How could we ever lose with Allah on our side? That is all for now, akhi. Salaam. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 26/12/2006 From: Sheikh Indha-cade To: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed (Voice message) Hello, haaaallo, war we have lost? They are using tanks and big guns and airplanes. Some of my Mujahidin even spoke about seeing yellow smoke and green smoke coming out of exploded bombs. Akhi, they are using chemical weapons on us! We have retreated as far as we could but they are still following us. These Ethiopians don’t want simple skirmishes they want a war! I’m coming back to the capital for urgent consultations with you and the others. I shall be there in two days. Maca Salaam. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 28/12/2006 From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed To: Sheikh Indha-cade (Voice message) Salaam warya, Why didn’t you tell me that you owned a mobile phone? That would have saved us a whole lot of trouble and misunderstandings. Anyway, after consultations with all the other leaders, we have decided to abandon the capital. I’m about to give a press conference in a minute confirming that. As you will hear, we are planning to relocate to Kismayo and fight the war from there. Make your way there, warya. That is all for now, Salaam. -------------------------------------------------

06/12/2006 From Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com Hi friend. I see the Islamists are giving you a hard time and are threatening to attack your new capital just because of my few thousand soldiers there! Have you told your people that we are there to help train your forces? Great news from the UN, George has done it again. Ps Kindly have a word with your fellow Somalis and ask them to stop threatening Ethiopia. They’re making me look bad in the eyes of that fat Eritrean nobody. Toddle pip. -------------------------------------------- 08/12/2006 From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com Hi Mel, These troublemakers are your brother-in-law’s responsibility. I spoke to him about them and he assures me that he has no power over these ruffians. His sources told him that they’re being encouraged by Eritrea! Is it not possible for you to have a word with your fellow Tigrian there and ask him to stop making trouble in my land? Ps Received your lovely Eid gift. Those 20,000 toy soldiers and the replica fighter jets will come in handy one day, I’m sure. I’m sorry that I did not send you anything in return. I’ve been extremely busy with domestic matters. Anyway, your Christmas is not until January, right? Well, expect a very sizeable gift from the Somali nation soon. Do you like land by any chance? Or would you prefer having a holiday Villa near one of our many ports? Tally ho ------------- From: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com Hi Abdi, I had a feeling that Eritrean fox was behind it all. I really need to have a word with him and finally clear the air. This can’t go on for much longer, my friend. Last night, I got a call from George. He expressed his sadness at your current predicament and offered to help you out. He knows what a proud man you are so he decided to send his help to me and asked me to, discreetly, pass it in turn to you. I invited him for lunch and told him that you’ll be there. Sadly, he declined because of his amazing workload. It seems that the boys in Iraq are insisting on having a big New Year party. George is not against it in principle but is worried about the reactions of those that don’t celebrate New Year. At any rate, the party has not been confirmed yet. Did my brother-in-law tell you that I phoned him and discussed those ruffians with him? He told me that they’re threatening to invade my country. Really now, Abdi, something has to be done about those boys. I of course I’m obliged now to talk to my people and give the image that I’m going to retaliate with all that I’ve got should these ruffians ever attempt to invade my country or disrupt our daily lives. I trust that you have this problem under control and I will not have to act on these promises of mine. Ps A Villa near the sea sounds grand. I’d be extremely grateful if you ensure that I’m allowed to bring a yacht or two. Toddle pip --------------------- 17/12/2006 From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com Hi Mel, George has always been so kind. Pass on my eternal gratitude and tell him that I too do not agree with the Iraqi New Year party. Not in the way those silly Iraqis mean to celebrate it. Bah Humbug! It seems that great politicians like you, George and I are a rare breed nowadays. I mean look at that Eritrean rhino and the way he stirs up unrest in my country. What have I ever done to him to deserve that? Those ruffians have given me an ultimatum! They’re jealous of your gifts to me and are demanding that I give them back. Five of those seven days have already gone. My patience is at an end. I think I’m going to ditch my ‘loving father’ image and show these ruffians a bit of tough love. Do you at all mind if I used your toy soldiers in this task? Ps Keep pretending anger to your people. The situation here is under control. Pps Can you really not do something about that Eritrean rhino? Can’t George? Ask please. Tally ho. ----------------------------------------------- 20/12/2006 From: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com Hi Abdi, I see you’re taking those troublemakers head on! Atta boy. I spoke to George and he promised to send extra help, discreetly of course. He also told me that he had a word with that Eritrean half-wit and made him promise to leave your country alone. I have a feeling you’re finally going to have some peace and quite. Ps Those toys were a gift. Do with them as you like. Pps I really appreciate the way you allowed my brother-in-law to speak on your behalf and appear as if he’s in charge of things. He needs the experience. Thanks again. Toddle pip ---------------------------- 31/12/2006 From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com Hi Mel, I told you that the situation was under control. It’s all over now. I’m so excited I might even give you your toy soldiers’ back, if you want them that is. Your brother-in-law made us all proud by the way. He’s so statesman like. But I think you need to have a word with him and ask him to calm down. I caught him staring lovingly at my empty chair every time I got up! Got to go now. Need to do a news conference. Ps The Iraq party was distasteful. Poor George. Tally ho. To be continued...

As ever, he's directing his words at a western audience. The words, the tone and connotations all have to be western-friendly. Still, beats me why he would want to talk about such a subject and what his aim was! I mean, he didn’t forward any suggestions, give any explicit opinions or even clarify his position on homosexuality. It was all seedy winks and nudges all the way. He lives in the UAE and that place DOES have a noticeable gay culture. It is also, for the most part, tolerated and, for some, even accepted. One only need to go to an average UAE wedding to see the traditional ‘Moa’layah’ bands strut their stuff and play their enchanting music to realise the extent and scale of that sub-culture. In fact, recently, a very popular Kuwaiti band (Miami) did an updated version of one of one of these songs. The song did very well in most Arab countries, even though most those from the gulf clearly knew what it was all about and the origins of that music. Having said that, and at a guess, I wouldn’t say that homosexuals makeup more than 1% of that population, only they’re a rowdy lot and know how to make themselves noticed.

So the Ethiopians are leaving within two weeks? Wouldn’t that confuse matters a little! I mean how could we go on about the government being Ethiopian puppets when there will be no Ethiopians to speak of in Somali soil? Could we have wronged our rescuer, Meles Zenawi? Could it really be that all he was doing all along was for the benefit of Somalia? Hmmmm!

^^^

Originally posted by Castro: ^ You just added the warning. Nothing is purely Iraqi today. And, unfortunately, the Americans are both here and there (and everywhere in between). True. But in the case of Saddam I think it was the Iraqis that wanted to kill him. Actually I bet the Americans would have tried to stop them and try to go through due process and all that. I think the Iraqis in charge noticed how things are never getting better in Iraq and were scared that Saddam, if he stayed alive, might come back to haunt them.

^^ Not a pretty video to watch, saaxib. I think you should include a bit of a warning for the faint hearted. As for your theory about America. I fully disagree. This was a purly Iraqi affair and the Americans are neither here nor there.

** Hurries and sends fartun a flirty PM **

^^^ Some people on this site have mistakenly assumed that you’re in the pay of the Ethiopian government. They thought you were some sort of spin-doctor that was sent to this website to help ease the blow of the Ethiopian invasion! I don’t at all think that’s true. For a start Ethiopia is not rich enough to afford a full-time spin-doctor for every Somali website. Secondly, you’re really not that good at propaganda. Which leaves me with the one last guess. You ARE Meles Zenawi, are you not? Come on, admit now. It all makes sense now. I can just imagine your ordering the invasion of Somalia and then hurrying back to your PC to see what the reaction of Rudy will be. I can just see you shouting at your top commanders and telling them that you want immediate results because poor Duke is being badly cornered in SOL. I can just picture you giving all the credit for this victory to the TFG forces and their 'defence’ Minster just so you can finally give Hornafrique something to smile about. Ah! Just got an idea... ** Goes to write a shedload of rubbish **

^^^ Don't speak too soon, saaxib. There are more twists and turns to be had before any of what you dream of takes place (if ever).

^^ Two years later and we're still talking about the same thing.

An Eid gift to you all. This is actually one of those rare posts when Duke has criticised the TFG (he’s even almost criticising Ethiopia). Ps Horn’s first reply is also worth a read. PPs Whatever happened to Juma? If he were ‘exiled’, I reckon the fact he was responsible for this thread qualifies him for a pardon now.

d/p