Would you ask your husband-to-be to sign a contract that denies him a second wife?

[Ameen]

Its all good. You are forgiven.

[winnie]

bro ameen, i think yr underestimating the power of emotions.

do you remember the case about the female astronaut? the woman who crossed state lines, and wore a diaper to avoid wasting time to get to her cheating husband and kill him?

 

i mean, society values women on the basis of whether or not they can get a man (you see this in unbelieving societies and how women and young girls are encouraged to dress provocatively and therefore turn heads, get dates. in more conservative societies, we see this as whether or not a girl can illicit numerous marriage proposals). so when a man decides he wants someone else as a spouse, the first wife cant help but begin to question herself, and her worth, her whole identity even. i think there is a similar element with men. you feel imasculated to have someone else lay with your wife. im not saying this is the way things should be, but it is, and you have to understand how that can affect a woman, a human being. something dies inside. plus, yre assuming that only men are programmed to be protective of their mates, its not true. most things we do are a result of social conditionning anyways. Allah swt permitted polygyny but he ddnt prescribe it or recommend it to all men and in most areas, men and women are more alike than we'd like to believe.

 

even parents/guardians dont want their daughters to be a co-wife. they feel as though its a slight on their daughter, and in some cases it is. im not anti-polygyny (btw societies that permit men to marry multiple wives are called polygyny. polygamy is when a society encourages multiples marriage partners for both genders) but if a man, after 20 yrs of marriage with the same woman, gets himself a bride as old as his first marriage, thats like a massive middle finger to those 20 yrs with that woman. personally, i think any man who sets out on a marriage knowing and planning to marry multiple women needs some emotional maturity, cause relationships aren't just about the individual. i mean, if during the marriage something happens that changes things (either internally or externally from marriage), than you can talk things out, maybe accomodate. but you married to me and plotting? what, you checkin' out my girlfriends? NO!!!

[Ameen]

You make a lot of good points so let me comment where we differ.

 

Unfortunately, the society that most of us are a product of, women are abused and oppressed. A woman is judged by the size of her bra and not by her character, hence the importance of wearing hijab and covering yourself but thats another issue for another day.

 

Anyways, women dont need to be worried about whether they can get a man or not cause believe it or not, a man's greatest desire is a woman. A wise man once said, "a woman has been created to love material and a man surrounds himself with the most attractive of materials. He uses the material to get what he desire the most, the woman". In other words, a man will buy a fancy car so he can do what...? Get a beautiful woman to fill the shot gun seat.

 

Lets move on.

 

Without a doubt, I understand it would hurt a woman if her husbands told her that he wants to make her a co-wife because emotions is something we can not control and for a man to rush into marriage with the mentality of marrying more than one woman, needs to come to terms with reality. The truth is, attending to the social, financial, emotional, spiritual needs of one woman is hard enough, let alone adding to the list of wives. As a man, I think some times the idea of having more than one woman in which you will spend some "quality time" with blinds the individual from the reality of the situation. As they say on the streets, "fun comes with a price so if you do the crime than playboy, you will do the time". Meaning, if you marry more than one woman to have some fun, than Allah will test you will trails because the purpose of polygamy is to protect women and not to serve the strong desires of men. So I understand where women are coming from but there is also a great wisdom in polygamy that Allah knows and we know not. For example, in the world right now, the ratio of men to women is 1 man for every 8 women. Now if every man married one woman thats leaves seven women unmarried and they wouldn't have anyone to share their lives with but thats just a theory. The truth of the matter is, not every man wants to get married and not every women is into a man. Some men aren't really on the marriage tip and by looking at the clock they know their living in a period of time where they are in demand because the numbers of men to women dont match up so he decides to take his time with the issue of marriage. On the other hand, a woman feels like if she doesnt get married by a certain age than not many men would consider her for marriage and even if a man does, he probably wouldnt be a good man. The point is, during the time of the companions of the Messenger of Allah (saw), no women was without a man. Every woman had a man who protected her and provided for her and presented himself for her emotional needs. That was the perfect society for both men and women but our period of time is different but the solutions to most problems are still the same.

 

Anyways, I respect your opinions and a man processes information differently than a woman and the only way to get on the same page is discussing the issue.

 

For the record, I think polygamy would be difficult. I cant see myself having to have the whole..."baby, tell me how you feel..?" conversation with more than one woman in one day. Just the thought alone scares me.

[winnie]

i think even muslims value women on looks... i mean modesty is an element. its a quality that is encouraged, but lets face it, even with the hijab, guys go for the lookers. i mean it goes both ways. we're genetically programmed to be with one another (men and women), and a woman is more valuable to a man if she is beautiful. i mean look at what you said, a man wnts a beautiful woman to sit shotgun? you ddnt say smart, funny, generous or even modest.

im not ragging on men for this, i mean, beauty is a good thing; nobody should be ashamed for admiring it or having it.

 

exploitation can occur on both ends bro. i believe that anything Allah swt orders is superior than what we create, but even with the hijab, women can be exploited. what do you think of societies that demand total complete compliance to islamic rule of conduct and dress for women, but nothing on men? i mean there are places in the world that remove all responsibility away from men, when it comes to zina or even RAPE. i call that exploitation. the men can enjoy their sin, and the women folk get the blame. obviously thats because of a deviation of islam, but... its all over the world. we cant pretend that everything is all good because it looks proper or because the problem isnt in yr face.

yes, i think marriage serves as a protection for both men and women, and there is a wisdom in polygyny (like most things Allah gives us, there is more than one reason, and the reason may change with time), but its not that cut and dry.

not every woman had a man who provided for her. the purpose of marriage isn't the same for everyone. there was a companion whose husband was infirm, she provided for him, it was considered sadaqa. there was a woman whose household didnt have an able bodied man, so she lead the prayer (i cant remember the names, may Allah swt be pleased with them all).

marriage is half of the deen, and ideally men are supposed to provide for the family, but thats not the main purpose of marriage. a woman can work, there is nothing stopping her.I have to go to class.

salaam

[Buuxo]

Would i ask him to sign a contract, nope.There is no use for it, by the time he starts thinking about another wife ,he would be around late 60s and over ,in uu isyareeyo lee buu raba, me at that age oday maaro uu mahayii, waan cibaadeeysan laha.I would welcome the idea.Laakiin since we living longer as they say, ana meelahayga baan ka qaraabeysan laha , ee waxaan dhihi laha ...war khayrqabe aan is fasaxno! no contract needed.

[Rahima]

You think 60 Buuxo? Woman try like 40, or nowadays as in the case of an incident that happened a few weeks ago- 35 :eek: . Yep, only 10 years of marriage and the itch started.

 

Marriage is for many reasons, one of which is companionship- something we all need later on in life.

[Ameen]

The difference between the way we view marriage during our period of time and the way it was viewed during the time of the best of generation of people to walk the earth is, shamefully different. While it is true that one of the reasons for marriage is companionship and it is a natural reason, I just cant stop to think about all those people who get married for reasons that are sometimes seem foolish. I know everyone of us has heard of stories where people just get married for reasons that cause 101 question to appear in your mind. But personally, Im under the belief that a life of marriage is much safer than a life of rolling single, so if she wants to marry him because he had her a promise to take her to the moon for their honeymoon than so be it. Although the reality is, many problems can arise from marriage that can cause both parties much pain.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to say, in our period of time, people get married for semi-important reasons while during the time of the companions, one of them said (in fact, it was Ibn Mas'ood) who said when asked, if you had one day to live, what would you do? He said, I would get married. Now that would seem surprising to us because personally, if I had one day to live, the last thing I would be thinking about is spending anymore time with a woman. So when he was asked why he would get married, he said, "I do not want to meet my lord alone". SubhanAllah. Amazing. He wants to meet Allah with the woman whom he spent the life of this world with while on the other hand, many of us are rushing to replace and divorce the person we took as a companion. What we really need is a class called "Companionship 101" that will break down the true defination of companionship through marriage. In the end, that generation of people viewed marriage (and other important issues) completely differently than we do. That is why they were successful.

[Buuxo]

Rahima, yeah 50/60yrs is the often average age for most somali men, to take up another 1 or 2 wives,isn't it.

 

Bisinka only 35 yrs and he is looking around, Whatever works them, ani lee i fasax lee waaye.

[Faarax-Brawn]

Originally posted by Buuxo:

Would i ask him to sign a contract, nope.There is no use for it, by the time he starts thinking about another wife ,he would be around late 60s and over ,in uu isyareeyo lee buu raba, me at that age oday maaro uu mahayii, waan cibaadeeysan laha.I would welcome the idea.Laakiin since we living longer

as they say, ana meelahayga baan ka qaraabeysan laha , ee waxaan dhihi laha ...war khayrqabe aan is fasaxno! no contract needed.

L0L,I hear grandmas 50+ are hot commodity,so you wont have a hard time finding a mate

[winnie]

I think we idealize the past too much.

I don't think people were that different. the hadith that is underlying your theory refers to the believers. the best generation of MUSLIMS were those of the prophet's (peace be upon him) generation, and the following 3 and it goes downhill from there, so obviously the companions of the prophet were more focused on their goal; improving their life in this life and the next.

i agree, i think if people were more aware (had more taqwa) that they are accountable for everything, more marriage would last longer, but whaddaya want?

[Ameen]

I want some quality time

 

No seriously, communication is the key to success.

And of course, dou'aa.

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

Allow xaas xaas kale ii ogalaaneesa ii sahal....

[Aaliyyah]

^ horta tii kowaad meel kusoo hubso ....ta labaad ha ku danbeese ...

[Rahima]

Buuxo,

 

Yeah, men these stays start straying at ages even younger then 35.

 

Personally though i see no difference between 35 and 50/60. Probably better that he does it earlier so that you can be rid of him earlier .

[Yaabka-Yaabkiis]

^ horta tii kowaad meel kusoo hubso ....ta labaad ha ku danbeese

Hunguriga iga batay...ma iga yaabtay..