Can you marry someone your heart doesn't want??

[Hibo]

Hello Nomadz!

 

 

Most women I know when asked about why they're not married, say "they'e waiting for Mr. Right" What if you found 'IT'? but Don't want it? There is a guy who has basically everything I asked in a man!, If it was Education, He got it, Diin, he got it, Personality, Politeness, Kindness, Romantic, Looks, Ambition, Respect for me and my family. you name it, he got it. On top of that, He loves me So much,I mean Deeply Head over hills in love with me. what is the problem you ask?. I have No love for him whatsoever! the guy loves me truly and I knows that but, I'm not Attracted to him at all.It's like your Favorite Food, only you don't have the appetite to eat it!

 

My question is.... What would you ladies or gentleman's do in this situation Would you over look your own happiness to be with someone your heart desires and instead go for this person that Loves you more then Live it's self or. Would you Decline their Offer and take your chances with someone you love instead??

 

I'm really in a serious dilemma, If I decline his love for me and instead take my chance in perhaps someone else? I'm afraid that I will miss a chance for real love, but if I go with the man that truly loves me, also I'm afraid that in the long run I won't be happy with him, since my heart doesn't want him?

 

PLease Give me your advices/opinions. I'm really a sister in need of good advice right about now.

 

Waad mahadsantihiin Nomadz

[Abdinuur]

<font color="blue" face="COMIC SANS MS" size"8" Do you wanna know a good way to fall in love? Just associate with all your pleasant experiences with someone, and disassociate from all the unpleasant ones.

Girl, just go wit him and return his love cuzz you might not find someone that is more like who you're talkin' about.

 

I don't get women nowadays.

They say they need a good man, but when they find one, they still want somethin' different. I don't get it!

 

Qalanjo, good luck girl.

[Buubto]

Well sis, is really hard decision to make, either way is a risk dat u have to take. If I advise u wat u should do I could be wrong cuz is really hard decision.

 

But just want to let u know this. Don’t ever waste golden chance, is few men with all those qualities u mentioned this days. How do u know u will find some1 ur hearts cherishes? Sometimes we have to settle down with second choice, if u didn’t get the first choice. For example if the guy performed around 95%, take it & don’t look the other 5%. No one is perfect. Is impossible to find a guy dat fully full fields ur needs. Our ppl say “waxaad rabtay hadii aad heliwaydo waxaad ka badin weydo ayaa lagu ekadaa”. Don’t let fantasy rule u. besides u might find some1 u love one day, but the question is, does he love u as much as u love him? Remember go 4 some1 who loves u, cuz u know they will always be their 4 u, as time goes on u will probably develop same feelings 4 him. Like they say “True love comes after marriage”, don't let Hollywood persuade u.

 

Sis i wish u all the best. Remember to pray salaatul istiqaara asking Allah to guide u to make the right decision. Hope u make the right decision Peace

[Libaax-Sankataabte]

Promise that you would understand this senario and get the most out of it. We nomads are always here to help.

 

Love is governed by three forces.

 

1. PASSION (that sexual attraction that makes you wanna say....uuuuh. You see him walk by and you shake....that force is called passion.)

 

2. Intimacy (The close bond between you two partners. Things like sharing secrets, stories, understanding, clicking with each other, having jokes, being around each other, having sex, kissing each other, you know...)

 

3. Commitment (Commitment is very important in any relationship. Without it, nothing will ever work for you....I mean...if you still have the Somali values....Every nomad queen wants commitment. FOR BETTER or FOR WORSE....Arooskeena aaamiiin....arooskeena aaamiin.)

 

Now, think of what is important to you. Which combination of these three forces is acceptable to you?

 

you can have (assuming that if one force is low in power, it is completly missing)

 

(passion, commitment) ... being married to a good looking guy that you don't click with. You guys don't undestand each other at all. The habit of arguing with each other all the time.

 

(passion, intimacy) ... Going out with a good looking guy that you understand very well, but somehow he doesn't want to get married or something. The commitment that you Somali queen want is missing. This is bad according to our culture. Naa orodoo ninka guurso meelaha ha la warwareegine.

 

(commitment, intimacy) ... this is the case for many Somali families specially the traditional nomads. Convenience marriages. It works most of the time. You raise kids very well and life is good. It is sometimes called the Controlled-Hormones marriage. Hooyooyinkeen and Aaboyaasheen probably went through this back home.

 

(passion, intimacy, commitment) ... this is true love. It is very rare. Don't fool yourself. It is hard to have the three together in marriages.

 

(passion only) ... well, just having sex with a daamn looking guy.

 

(intimacy only) ...Best senario is friendship. He is your best friend.

 

(commitment only) ... Best senario is being married to an old geezer your dad hooked you up with. You don't understand him and you are not attaracted to him.

 

 

Now, think of what you want out of life. Be realistic and set goal that you can only achieve. You don't want to be dissapointed later.

 

I gotta pick up my little sister from Dugsi quraan. Hope this helps.

 

 

[Hibo]

A/nur and Buubto Thanks alot! I really appreciated....

 

Abdinuur walaahi, Aboowe I'm not being ungrateful, I really do appreciate his love for me! but I've tried to love him but I couldn't, I can't open-up my heart for him(I really would love to) but what can I say? It's not working. we went out on dates, talked for hours(almost 2yrs now) but it's not working, No matter what he does for me,

I've No Love for him absolutely whatsoever! I see him as my own brother, not a man(I mean i don't see him as someone I would be attracted to) and I'm not the kind a person that can 'pretend' to be something or someone they're not. I can't just say I love you when I don't mean it, I don't want to hurt him further by laying to him. that is not right! I told him upfront how I felt and still feel but said he it doesn't matter he will love me regardless!

 

I did and every night do my prayers and ask Allah to guide me but nothing is working so far. Walaahi I'm in a major dilemma.

 

Also what I forgot to mention was that he is older then me. I'm 22 he is 32yrs old! I don't know if that is the reason, I don't feel him like that? or what?.

Walaahi I'm not being ungrateful, It's just Chemistry that I'm lacking for him.

 

 

 

[Abdinuur]

<font color="blue" face="COMIC SANS MS" size"8" Wow...much older guy.

 

I bet he be heartbroken.

 

And like Buubto said, it's very hard decision.

 

Just follow your heart girl. That's all I gotta tell ya.

 

But just in case you choose not to be wit this guy, find him a girl you know. Dont leave him hangin' there. Find him someone that you think likes him.

 

After that, holla at me and am gonna give you my #

 

I think me and you click

 

Good luck again!

[Buubto]

Qalanjo Sis I am back again with different opinion. If u were with him 4 2 years & nothing changed plus he is 10 years older than u. is crystal clear dat u don’t have any feelings 4 this guy & u won’t probably have any feels 4 him in the future. Don’t push ur self more than u did, tell the bro ur decision & end the relationship. cuz nothing won’t change, except things will only get worst & time is running out 4 him to get another lady. Just end it as soon as u can in a nice way. 10 years is big gab, maybe ur rejection towards him is cuz of the age difference as it is huge. Remember if he is not in ur heart there is no use, having second thought. Well again good luck.

[Oblivion]

Wow thats a hard one, huh!dont lose cool since your happy life is on the line.Take your time..if he cant wait let him go.Actually this fad about Mr. Right Guy is a hoax so watch out.What you really need is some1 who's gonna love you for a life time and treat you with dignity and be a good father.The rest will fall into place and love grows if there's mutual respect!!.If he qualifies..go for him.

[imam.abdullah]

hell no no don't mary him sis

find some one u love and ur heart is hapy with it

[Hibo]

Hello Nomadz,

 

 

Thanks all for your Sincere reply's. A/nur even though I don't have to, I did try to hook him up with other ladies who are interested but he Declined. because he says "he only have eyes for me". So in a way brotha I did help him as much as I could for him to understand that I don't love him and never will but the guy is like the Great wall of China. I mean he is totally uneffected. My Biggest concern now is, that he will just wait for me to change my decision and end up not marrying while on the other hand I'll be married to someone else and going on with my life! Also, I'm afraid of "NABSI JACAYL" Though this is usually when you deceive someone who was in love with you , or if you made a promise to marry someone and you didn't keep that promise or etc. I've been Straight with him from the begining, so I don't know if this will also apply to me? or should worry about it?

I just pray for him that he will get someone that loves him as much as he love me. It's sad honestly but there is nothing i can do.

 

 

Libaaxsankataabte. Thanks, I know what I want and that is Love/Commitment/Marriage/Intmacy/ I want all of it. but I've to have them all or nothing. I can't be in a relationship or marriage where the main ingredient is missing and that is LOVE for me. love is what brings people together.

Thanks for your help though.

[Hibo]

Hi Qalanjo,

 

Sister, deciding who to spend the rest of your life with is a big decission. The brother seems persistant as you have mentioned above, I think it is time he opens his eyes to other ladies around him. He has chosen to dream of the impossible.

 

My advice to you is, NEVER i mean NEVER fall for anyone that your heart doesn't love, Regardless of what he has or achieved academically. Happiness can't be bought or be achieved but comes to you as a give from Allaah. We were all created to be happy with someone or to be frendly or unfriendly with others.

 

Dont marry someone if you know you will not develop love for him/her.

 

Follow what your heart tells you when it comes to happiness with a partner

 

 

[Hibo]

Salaams

 

Qalanjo abaayo this is a decision no one else can make for you as after all it is you who will either spend the rest of your life with him or maybe not...I have one question, does he know you don't have any feelings for him? Unrequited love is one of the most painful things, I seen people go through it and I've seen a couple get married were one was in love and the other wasn't in love (my cousin) just before he got married to the girl I asked him, if you don't love her why are you going to marry her, he said to me...imagine, someone who would be prepared to do anything for you, that loves you, cares about you, is beautiful and intelligent...would you be prepared to let them go? I said that's a hard decision...he smiled at me and said, love will come given time, that he was sure he could bring himself to love her...in the end they ended up divorced. Divorce is something which is allowed in Islam, lakiin Allah (swt) does not like it...

 

Marriage is a huge step, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone you do not love?

 

Best advice sis, keep on praying and ask Allah (swt) to guide you to the right path...

Asalaamu Alaikum and good luck abaayo

 

ps lol Jamaal hey bro...i finally made it over here...you were right, this site is soooo nice...can you believe I haven't seen a page with people swearing at each other

[Hibo]

Qalanjo: SIs, there is my dearest friend... when I left Abu Dhabi, the only advice he gave me was, "Hibo, naagi waxaa u wanagsan, a man that loves her..not the one she loves"..WHen I asked him why??..He said, When a man loves u n he knows that u don't love him the same, he will strive, n treat u with respect, n kindness, to earn ur love in return. If u want happiness sis... go with the man that loves u...I did that!! N believe me, that was the best advice anyone ever gave me... truely n sincerely! Its all upto u sis...but that would be my advice...Good luck!

[raula]

Qalanjo sis,

 

I would advice U to take ur heart serious not fall inlove with this guy. Anyway, if the guy is hardcore...maybe show him some signs of not wanting to pursue the relationship further..anyway, but however weigh ur options b4 u make a decision...but how can this guy be still luving U when obviously he sees that u r not interested in him...R u giving him signs or mixed messages.that probably confuses him???.....

 

remember me: busted on the web ...my best advice though...damn his ass b4 he gets obcessed....

[LadyFatima]

Salaama All,

 

Qalanjo sis, the best advice I can give you is to Fallow your heart as you said, "you can't build a relationship/marriage without the Main ingriedient "This is what I believe too, Anyway.....If you don't love him Now, I hardly think you will later, so don't waiste your time with him any longer then you did already.

 

Tell him to "Hit the Road Jack, Don't you come back No More No More"........

 

Ma'salaama