Jokes...

[Viking]

New Job

 

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

 

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

 

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

 

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

 

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

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If I Could Talk To The Animals

 

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."

 

Indian: "Horse no talk"

 

Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"

 

Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."

 

Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."

 

Indian: "Dog no talk."

 

Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"

 

Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."

 

Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."

 

Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

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Farting Contest

 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

 

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

 

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.

 

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

 

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".

[Pucca]

couldn't bring myself to start a new topic so i'm just going to add what little jokes i have to this thread.

 

 

Plastic Surgery Miracles

 

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

 

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

 

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat.

 

Now he's President of the United States."

 

[Foxy]

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the

gate they were halted by Peter and his obedient. Peter asked the girls,

"Before entering you must answer this simple question.

 

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still

virgin even after I got married."

 

"Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the golden key."

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh,quite good",

she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got

married." "Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the silver key."

 

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all",she said. "I practically have 5ex with every guy I

met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good",

said Peter. " give this girl.......my room key."

[allan]