Better to draw a veil over this daft idea, Nigel Farage
UKIP says it hasn’t fully thought through how a burka ban might work. Too right
Robert Crampton
I’ve a soft spot for Nigel Farage, the former leader of the UK Independence Party. Partly because we were, unbelievably to me, both born in 1964. Yet while I — I trust — on a good day, with the wind in the right direction, look about the age I actually am (younger if my byline picture is to be believed, which it isn’t) Nigel doesn’t look a day under 60.
And partly I like Nigel because he appears to be such a wonderfully English stereotype, a good chap in the Dog and Duck, paying for his G&T with a tenner folded lengthways, have one for yourself, Linda, Jag parked outside, political correctness gone mad, the old health and safety brigade’ll have something to say about that, what about this weather, eh, bring back global warming, I say, hah, hah, hah, etc, etc.
But mostly I like Nigel because just when you might be stuck for something to write about, up he pops on The Andrew Marr Show and says something ******.
Put a lid on it
What Nigel told Andrew was that his party approves of a ban on “covering of the face in public places and public buildings”. “I can’t go into a bank with a motorcycle helmet on,” he told Marr, “I can’t wear a balaclava going round the District and Circle line.” Therefore, he reasons, veils should be made illegal.
Leaving aside the unsettling image of our hero, clearly a bankrobber manqué, stalking the streets of the capital in a ski mask or skidlid, regretfully having to remove either to get on the Tube or pay in a cheque, and leaving aside also that (along with almost everybody else) I don’t like husbands telling their wives that they can go outdoors only if they wear a black sheet, there’s always trouble when the Government tries to tell citizens what to wear. Things tend to get very silly very quickly.
It isn’t just (a minority of) Muslim women who wear the veil. What about weddings? Lovely summer Saturday, happy bride arrives at the church, ding, dong, over here for the photos please, hold on, here’s PC Plod, what’s he up to? No, surely not, oh I say, that’s outrageous, he’s ripping off the bridal veil, he’s jumping up and down on it. Groom rushes out to intervene, inevitable fracas, would-be Mr and Mrs So-and-so spend their big day in the cells.
What about grieving widows? That could get messy. What about beekeepers? There’ll be some nasty stings. What about actresses filming Edwardian costume dramas? The manicured lawn, the basket of cut flowers, the straw hat, the decorous turn-of-the- century silk tulle, these images are part of the fabric of mid-evening British telly. All gone. Rent asunder.
Take it on the chin
Nige isn’t just talking about veils, though, he’s gunning for anything that covers the face, hence his motorbike and balaclava references. There’ll be an exemption for protective headgear, but what is protective? In the recent cold, a balaclava was legitimate protection against frostbite of the chin, mouth and nose.
Will it be OK to wear a balaclava if the temperature drops below a certain level? How will we know? Will Nigel make an announcement? On Twitter? “Chilly enough 2 muffle up this morning, ladies and gents. Must B removed by lunchtime, 4cast is it’s warming up!!!” Some scarves, worn high and tightly wound, can obscure pretty much the entire face, indeed that being the idea. How will Nige distinguish?
What about those masks some cyclists wear? Surgeons doing operations? Groucho Marx disguises you buy in the joke shop? Face paint? Tattoos? How about rugby players who like to dress as nurses? Extrovert types in fancy dress at parades, carnivals, fetes? How about Hallowe’en? What to do about those fine upstanding law-abiding Englishmen and women whose favoured leisure activities necessitate the use of a gimp mask? And, perhaps of most interest and importance, where would Nige’s ban leave the Stig?
How about long fringes? Heavy make-up? Sunglasses? Furry animal suits as worn by mascots at football matches? Cricketers facing fast bowling (but not the spinners)? Am-drams putting on Equus? Pantomime horses? People who run the London Marathon dressed as medieval knights? Who’s under that helmet? Is she oppressed? Has she got a bomb?
Getting a bit hairy
A couple of miles north of my house is Stamford Hill, an area of North London popular with orthodox Jews. Big bushy beards, thick specs, oversized black hats, plus the women are fond of wigs. I have to tell you Nige, their faces are pretty well covered, it’s hard to say who’s who under all that gear, all that hair. What shall we do? Ban the big hats? The specs? Best be on the safe side, best chop those big beards off as well, like the Nazis did with the rabbis on Kristallnacht.
Nige admits that the razor-sharp minds staffing UKIP’s policy unit haven’t yet fully thought through how such a ban might work in practice. Too right.
Source
