In two days ago, I was visiting my uncle house and I met my older cousin . After speaking about family issue and life, the topic of marriage came up. I started wondering about how many somali girls desired a husband but they still single. How we are in twenties or late thirties and reached highest level in education and still single . We all believe that we are on the verge of ‘settling’!
In an attempt to comfort me, my older cousin said, look at me, I am 50 and not married. I want what allah wants for me and will not settle for less. Although I have had many counterfeit men come into my life. My cousin then went ahead and started to rattle off about the men that had been potential suitors and what was wrong with them.
As she spoke, somethings that seemingly escaped her started to become clear to me. She was to blame for being single at 50.
Here are some of the things i realized about My cousin that kept her single.
Many women, like My cousin are looking for the perfect mate. They want someone who is going to complete them and be their everything! If this is you, then my question to you is this: If a man completes you and becomes your everything, then what position is Allah taking in your life? Allah is meant to be your everything. Allah says, "Say: 'If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious." (9:24)
So, to look for completeness in a man is to make that man an idol in your life, it is to have put man above Allah! This will only lead to ruin because no man is perfect! Try as he might, he will disappoint you! So stop looking for someone who will not disappoint you over the lifetime you wish to be married…you will not find it. Even you, yes you…have and still disappoint many people…whether you realize it or not…whether you meant it or not. Instead of looking for perfection, look for someone who is striving towards perfection. This is a person that loves Allah and does not want to be conformed to the world but whose life’s purpose is to be transformed into the image of Good Muslim.
As my mom says, Good woman can change bad man in way she treat him but good man cannot change bad woman.
My cousin saw herself as a princess, but she did not care to prince her man
There are many women who see themselves as awesome and incredible royalty. Many women say, I want to be treated like a princess! The issue is that they do not want their man to be a prince. They do not want to share any power or give up any control. Instead, they want their partners to take the position of a slave while treating them like a princess. The reason many women cannot let go of control is because of fear – perhaps due to not dealing with the hurts of past relationships. The moment the man does not give her the power she craves, she takes it as he not treating her like a princess and so searches for greener pastures. Conversely, many men see that while they are giving all they have, the woman is not following suit! Many women think that this is part of being pursued; many men simply see it as being disrespectful.
As a princess, you have to make sure you prince your man. Compliment him and let him know that you appreciate that he is being led by the King. Let go of the control. Taking a chance at love means you take a chance with your heart. This is because only the heart can feel love, not your head.
My cousin was way too picky
She did not want Allah to decide whom she should marry but decided on who she wanted to marry. In essence, she said: Allah, forget about who you desire for me, this is the person I want to marry…now make it happen! It was no longer Allah's will for her life but her will for her life!
But does Allah not want to give us the desires of our heart? Yes…as long as it glorifies Allah .You must believe right now that what Allah wants for you is better than what you could ever want for yourself in the long run. If he is not giving you your hearts desires, it may be because you are not ready to handle your heart’s desire. It may be because what you desire is not desirable! In fact, Allah says in Quran '...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.' (Surah Baqarah: 216)
My cousin wanted husband but wanted to remain a Single
Do not be like Her ! Every potential suitor she met had some flaw that was fatal. One could not provide. Another could provide but was not attractive enough. A third was attractive and could provide but did not pay her enough attention. Yet, another paid her too much attention. She forgot that she was filled with flaws herself! She was so busy finding fault with everyone that she had no time to look at herself. She was so busy trying to find the speck in someone else’ life that she forgot that the log in her eyes was blinding her vision of the truth about herself. The truth that just like everyone else, she is imperfect and needs a savior as well!
My cousin could not understand why the one’s she thought were ‘perfect’ for her were not interested. perhaps it is because they are not willing to ‘settle’ either.
I thank Allah that he did not wait for us to be perfect but settled for us. He wants us to settle for nothing less than Himself. This means that we have to take the reins off our own lives and surrender completely to His will. It seemed that Khadijah (she was very rich and successful lady and known by the by-names Ameerat-Quraysh ("Princess of Quraysh"), al-Tahira ("The Pure One") and Khadija Al-Kubra (Khadija "the Great") settled for when she married our prophet Mohammad ( peace up on him) poor …but she became immortalized in history because of it. Are you willing to settle for Allah's best for you?
At end, We have the ability to change our life and have the things we want. It all starts with our self. We just have to truly want to change it. Stop focusing on what doesn’t work and start focusing on what does work.