Divorce: A Glimpse of One Somali Woman’s Plight in America

[Kulmiye]

By Ibrahim Abdulkadir

 

 

If pronouncement of marriage is the peak of happiness in ones life, then no doubt divorce is the opposite of it, and the psychological moment of that grief in a woman is more intense and damaging in the long term. But in America, the experience of one Somali woman’s divorce is tantamount to the most unthinkable tragedy that inflicts an individual. Her story is one of heart-wrenching, and of depressing conclusion. For privacy reasons, I call her Dhiban in this article, just to conceal her identity.

 

She spent most of her life in Mogadishu, Somalia. As a student of knowledge, her passion to learn and the no-schooling lifestyle of Mogadishu’s idleness in 1990’s collided, causing her to depart to Nairobi, Kenya. In her mind, she was in search for an opportunity to learn and expand her educational scope. For that young age at the time, that was an exceptional good inspiration to lean on, indeed.

 

And, after years of hurdles in the process to set foot in America, she finally arrived to New York in one of the most unwelcoming days of America: few minutes prior in the morning of September 11th, of 2001 attacks. The beginning of her Dhib (hardship) and shattering expectations of America has started to unfold. Flights were suspended, no English, no money, alone and hijabified helpless girl in the middle of a major wilderness. Her strangeness of African and of Muslim origin gave an incentive to the passer-by people to scold her brutally in seven long days as the furor of yet-to-act nation spills from its enraged citizens.

 

Immediately, with the resilience of her enduring patience and adaptations in America, she opted to live in Minneapolis, and worked hard to sustain not only for her life, but also for the lives of those loved ones still confined in Somalia. A well-bred decent girl with a principle was now overwhelmed with huge problems – the calls of help from Somalia, the need to make ends meet in here – and above all was the urge to marry – in preserving her dignity - before her time is up.

 

However, early in last year, she married a Somali man she thought would be the charming compliment of her life. Unfortunately, in few unbearable days, of not more than three weeks, the marriage was torn-a-parted. Why? Still, the maker of that decision is unable to provide a reasonable explanation for it, but he could only regret from the hastiness of his unforgiving irresponsibility.

 

What was left in her heart is a mark and lasting intrinsic nightmare of shattered hopes, unfinished goals, and great vulnerabilities ahead. Miraculously, she became pregnant with a baby girl she would deliver late in the same year. In this juncture, problems tend to intensify, because with the burden of pregnancy, lack of help, state of vagabond, and the depressing impact of a debilitating divorce that held her hostage until she gave birth.

 

Of course, divorce in this part of the world is unique with something that is appalling to many of us: social isolations and the stigmatized outcast of a single parenthood. In reality, the affect of divorce is taking a deep root in our society today, mainly in our Diasporas community, where the sanctity of marriage is repeatedly violated. A recent observational trip to Minneapolis, aside from the dazzling entrepreneurial progress of my people, was indeed an absolute dismal in terms of the consequential dark side of our presence. Ilaahow naga soo gaar!

 

Given the amount of insurmountable cases of family issues in our community, cum the outnumbering single-parent families still recovering from the shock of three-count divorce strikes (Dalaaq), our society’s core extended, (not nuclear), family values are threatened.

 

This issue has discouraged many young people to embark on marriage commitments because the lessons of their peers and the experience of evaporating short-span marriages. Thus, are not we afraid of seeing the boy- friend and girl-friend notion taking a full swing turn in our community, and replacing the marriage entity? If that perception - i.e. marriage as a hot water, or no go near - becomes well appeasing, then how far is that from an illicit sex and abortion issues getting justified among us, or HIV related issues eroding our sense of everything good, including the Islam, we stand for?

 

The collective neglect of social responsibility to address lurking crisis in our midst, especially, at the level of our learned spiritual leaders, seasoned elders, and community center propellers, would be enough to revolutionize much of the negatives we suppress from our at risk youth until what we fear most take a grim hold on us.

 

Now, the calling of 911 police enforcements, and the attempts to solve problems through the wrong elements would only fuel the flame with more gasoline, but with diligent traditional problem-solving skills from cultured elders applied as key to first step, would make matters less intricate, and that is only if we intend to rectify each other and rescue our families.

 

Our beautiful Somali women, the bedrock of our social spirit and the holding pillars of a demised Somalia, require us an unconditional support to stand shoulder to shoulder in these troubled times, while assuming responsibilities on our failures, and then of course, offer assurances to our sisters from our now increasingly hair-triggering three-count divorce strikes.

 

The history of our family/ethnic traditions, as Somalis, testifies that our fathers were understanding and flexible to the circumstances of the time. They practically understood the wisdom of being humble in the family and at home, while acting the lion of the village in the outside. Never has it become customary in our decent culture for a man to act out of emotions and wreck havoc in the existence of the family. It’s time for retrospective analysis to understand the trend that took us here, so as to frame a mechanism for saving families from the pitfalls of total breakups.

 

This problem is increasingly festering in many stable-looking houses today. What we also need to come up is a plan at the community level led by our Sheikhs, to remind people the crucial responsibility counted on them as they marry. That marriage has its own etiquettes and need to be practiced at home. That Allah (sw) loves the ones who keep their family’s interest at heart, and never neglect their obligations. For a plan with sound and practical ingredients in it can at least alleviate some of the burdens, if our spiritual authorities engage this with concerted efforts and make its prevention a priority for the community.

 

Finally, to the upcoming wave of our sisters in Africa who are bound to America, I tell you the glittering of America, and exactly the one you might have seen on TV’s, has a danger beneath, the one that has trapped our gifted sister in Minneapolis, Dhiban. And for my surviving sister, Dhiban, please know that we will, under moral obligations, pray for you, as well as share the burden and pain you undergoing in your holly struggle to overcome the problems. My hope is that you, and the likes of other sisters in your situation, will lead a successful life – keeping in mind the patience and the fear of Allah - in this planet and the next, insha-Allah.

 

War nimanyahow aan Ilaahey ka cabsano, dumarkeenana si u dhaano!

[xiinfaniin]

^^Kulmiyow, Dhibban is not alone. There's aslo the Dulmane; a man who left no rock unturned to fulfil his responsibilities but a combination of a hostile system and a brainwashed wife let him down. His life no longer means much to him.

[Jamilah]

Originally posted by xiinfaniin:

^^Kulmiyow, Dhibban is not alone. There's aslo the Dulmane; a man who left no rock unturned to fulfil his responsibilities but a combination of a hostile system and a brainwashed wife let him down. His life no longer means much to him.

But brother, how prevalent is this case scenario? The answer: not very.

[xiinfaniin]

Jamila, I think you’re right. But there’s more than one side to each divorce case, you would agree, and when it happens in the West I tend to be a bit less emotional about it, Jamiilay.

 

I just hate this divorce thing especially when children are involved. More often than not it could be prevented and averted, I believe. And yes there are a considerable number of respectable men who have been wronged.

 

Markaad guursato (if you didn't yet ) adiga iyo wadaadkuba Quraan isa saara oo ducaysta in Ilaahay isku kiin waariyo.

[hodman]

Yes divorce is a tragedy but sometimes it's just too hard to try to work things out so instead of being miserable together...

The kids are the ones hardest hit though. What do you mean by a brain washed wife Xiin? Is it one that has finally decided to speak up?

[Jamilah]

Originally posted by xiinfaniin:

Jamila

, I think you’re right. But there’s more than one side to each divorce case, you would agree, and when it happens in the West I tend to be a bit less emotional about it,

Jamiilay

.

 

I just hate this divorce thing especially when children are involved. More often than not it could be prevented and averted, I believe. And yes there are a considerable number of respectable men who have been wronged.

 

Markaad guursato (if you didn't yet

) adiga iyo wadaadkuba Quraan isa saara oo ducaysta in Ilaahay isku kiin waariyo.

That’s true brother we cannot assume that a particular gender is to blame, as in each case the circumstances vary, I didn’t mean to downplay the situations when a decent man is wronged.

 

No I am not married I am still underage. Although Islamically speaking that's no excuse. Inshallah when the time comes for me to get hitched I will make dua with my husband to be as you suggested. Make sure you do the same with your bride to be , unless of course you are already married.

[Rahima]

^He's hunting for number three

[-Lily-]

I won't be shocked to find there are bad men just as there are bad women.

 

I think the man should have known what he was married to. I mean how can you not know what such a person is capable of? Or at least pridict?

[xiinfaniin]

^^No that easy, i tell you.

 

Jamiila, We agree on that one.

 

Rahima, adigu haddaad wadaad heshid xattaa nasoo salaami maysid . I thought i would be invited to your levee, and get some distinction of sort, read the homily , you know. Ma fiicnid, i say.

 

Hodaney, by brainwashed i meant those women who are utterly misled about gender relationships. Adigu naftii kaa dhacday saad usoo xammaalaysid bay equality iyo waxaan loo joogin kuula imaanaysaa .

[hodman]

^^^^^ Lol Xiinow qof waliba tiisaa u daran sxb adiga haday nafta kaaga soo dhacday xamaali iyana aqalka iska daba meeraysigiisaa naftii kaga dhacday so u betcha markaad guriga timaadid equality iyo waxaan loo joogin ayaa laguula imanayaa.

Ka waranse ta iyana soo xamaalaysay as it were outside the house markay timaadana aan arxan ka helayn sheekha? So how would a woman who is on a double shift daily not get frustrated :confused:

[xiinfaniin]

^^To begin with, a respectable Faarax should not let his wife work double-shift. Haddeyse dhacdo, she needs a lot of arxan, I agree. Aniguse waa horaan ka taliyey inaan gabar qararaf ah aan nin shaqeeyaa guursan .