Xafsa Posted August 9, 2003 My cousin, just informed me of a situation she finds herself in. A couple of weeks ago one of my uncles was getting married here in mnpls, so we were all very excited. He had his friends from europe flown in to attend his wedding and help out. Among my uncles friends was this 29 year old guy that happened to catch my cousin's eye. It turns out the guy is our cousin...small world!! Any how As soon as they met....there was instant chemistry!! My cousin ( the female) is very level headed so she ignored the whole encounter. We all spent alot of together going out to dinner abnd what not..so before the guy left he talked to her and told her that he wanted to explore these emotions that he feels inside for her. My cousin told him that she would think about it and let him know what she decided. After talking on the phone for a few weeks my cousin is starting to have feelings for this guy( they say females fall in love with words)..but she's trying hard to fight them. Her brain is telling her NO but her heart says YES!! She always imagined herself ending up with a guy who graduated from college and has a good job. she herself is working on her Phd so you can see why she wants an educated brotha. But there is this small part of her thats telling her to go ahead and let her guard down. I'm telling her that she should follow her heart...it isn't about how many degrees he has..its all about how good he is to you,,if he can take care of his own...his beliefs..etc. Any how I wanted to know what your thoughts were on this. ( remember to marry your cousin is not haraam...and when I say " my cousin" I don't mean me!!..this story is not about me!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuCkY Posted August 9, 2003 WeLL i wouLd definiteLy say to foLLow what her heart teLLs her. But what is the probLem? Is she with someone is that why she cant be with him? But make sure that she takes her time to reaLLy get to know him and what he is aLL about. Its true that Love isnt aLL about having degrees and whatnot, but who said that this wouLd be the guy she spends the rest of her Life with. These feeLings may go away given time or may grow stronger. Its aLways good to have certain standards and i agree with her on the part of wanting an educated spouse-i mean it onLy makes sense, since she herseLf is educated. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xafsa Posted August 9, 2003 her problem is the education part... she wants this guy but his lack of education is making her have second thoughts. Besides the guy is family....she doesn't want to end up hurting him in the long run. This is a girl that isn't into dating....she wants to get married because she believes she will just be wasting her time if she tries to get to know this guy because she believes you can't really know a person from dating. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Juxa Posted August 9, 2003 salaaaaam walaaley, first of all,,,,,marrying your cousin is not haram as u mentioned above. i think your cousin should let her guard down and try to explore if those feelings are real. i can understand where she is coming from, after all she is educated and he is not, so obviously there is a gap, but as they say no bridge is too wide to cross, love comes from unexpected corners and if it is any comfort, it is not too late to educate him, or bring him into same level of understanding as her, it seems they already are in same wave. tell your cousin education is not about degree, there are many men with phd and yet who are dhooros, dhago adag, marka abaayoy, she should go for it but with a causion, as u said the guy is family and onething u hate about getting involved with family members is that everyone gets involved. but she got to find out or she might miss out big time Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LuCkY Posted August 9, 2003 Ok i see. If the education is what is hoLding her back than i dont know what to say. I mean as we aLL know if you are educated and your spouse isnt than there wiLL definiteLy be some major probLems-some can work it out and others cant. The famiLy part is a probLem-because he is famiLy and she doesnt wanna hurt him aLL i can say is she needs to give the situation some time. Maybe aLL this chemistry wiLL not Last very Long and whatever she does i wouLd advise her not to rush into marriage*this is just my opinion* By getting to know i didnt mean "dating" i meant spend time with the person and get to reaLLy know him. Again i wouLd suggest that she doesnt rush into marriage but onLy she knows whats good for her so... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xafsa Posted August 9, 2003 Thanks juxaa....I agree with what you said about nimanka dhagaha adag with Phd's Lucky thanks hon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
- diamond princess - Posted August 9, 2003 Hey abbayo, I think your cusin should follow her heart. Although I can see why she thinks education is important so do I. But as long as the guy has a career/job and makes money that should be enough. Anywayz I agree with Juxa...just get to know him better and be very aware. When you say the guy is a cusin...How close is he related to you and your cusin? Just curious. I was always the type of girl who planned to never fall for a cusin. I just don't find it...a good thing. Although I know its not haraam. (Thats my oppinon thou, don't mind me ) .:peace n luv:. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xafsa Posted August 9, 2003 I guess a career is very important but the thing is this guy is in europe....so if things work out he's gonna have to move down here and start all over again...so the "career" he had would have to be left behind. ya feel me? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valenteenah. Posted August 9, 2003 ^^ I was under the impression that it's easier to get a job (whateva job) in the US, rather than Europe. I don't think moving to the US would be that big of a problem for most ppl. If ur cousin is doing her phD, I can see why his education level would be so important to her, but at the same time, if they get along and are attracted to each other, it would be a waste not to give him a chance. Just because he hasn't got a degree now, doesn't mean he can't or won't get it later. Nobody really knows what the future holds. Personally, I think it's great that she is being cautious, but she shouldn't dismiss him out of hand if the only problem is education. It is not that big of an obstacle, it can be overcome. What do you think of the situation flying? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xafsa Posted August 9, 2003 What do I think? I agree with you that education is an obstacle that can be over come....but How long will it take him to over come that one minor problem? I wonder what kind of a bond can be formed when education is such a big part of her life and almost none of his? If he moves down here then he would need to look for a job..but what kind of a job can he find when he speaks almost no english? ( speaks fluent german and somali) I don't know I feel for my cousin but the whole follow your heart thing is hard for me to swollow...but then again you never know what life has in store for you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abdinuur Posted August 9, 2003 If she has doubts about him now, I dont think they're that compatible. She's educated and smarter, He isnt, She'll be making more, He wont, Totally two opposite people. The best thing that could happen between them is friendship! But then there's this thing called calaf (somali word)...so only Allah knows it all! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valenteenah. Posted August 9, 2003 Originally posted by flying-still: What do I think? I agree with you that education is an obstacle that can be over come....but How long will it take him to over come that one minor problem? I wonder what kind of a bond can be formed when education is such a big part of her life and almost none of his? If he moves down here then he would need to look for a job..but what kind of a job can he find when he speaks almost no english? ( speaks fluent german and somali) I don't know I feel for my cousin but the whole follow your heart thing is hard for me to swollow...but then again you never know what life has in store for you. Yeah, I can see it'll be very tricky. I would have doubts too. About the language barrier, learning English isn't that hard. I have several friends who moved from Germany to England after about 10yrs, and they've adapted quite well to Britain. A couple of them even speak better English than me after a few years here. It's down to the individual I guess. At the end of the day, success will depend on how supportive they are of each other, and if they are willing to do whatever it takes to get each other to where they want to be. However, it is going to be a bloody hard job and if either of them is not serious about it or isn't willing to put in the effort...then it probably won't work. I do feel sorry for her...it's a tough fix to be in. If she is a strong, pragmatic person, I think she'll be able to make it work, if not...it'll probably be better to let it go now. That's how I see it anyways. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
king_450 Posted August 9, 2003 Not in a million will i thought i will be responding a non-hypothetical scenario. FlyingS, tell your cousin to take this gentleman as a husband and stop the nonsense, or just she will be blaming some of you for not helping her sort out this problem, especially you FlyingS,you should know better following them to dinner and not realizing that your cousin will fall in love,lol, anyway tell your cousin do it,and plz send the invitation.Good luck. And for the Education Gap, it means nothing. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Phoenix Posted August 10, 2003 Orginally posted by Flying-still: she believes you can't really know a person from dating. Err....so she wants to find out he's a psycho after she marries him? ::LOL:: I totally agree with Kaafi. The education thing is more than a little barrier. Flying-Still, you say she's studying for her PhD? Then she will almost certainly have a high-paying job, whereas he will most probably get a job in the QuickieMart (or 7-11) while, perhaps (if he decides to) studying for a degree. Therefore, she'll earn much more than he will, and honestly, which Somali guy will be okay with that? His ego will be dented and bruised and therefore, perhaps, causing many problems in any future relationship. Of course, we only have minor details, and I'm all for the personality thing, but if her feelings are so strong, then it strikes me that there should be no doubts at all. This is not an easy decision to make, because what if he moves over and then nothing works out? But - this is a very complicated situation that your cousin finds herself in, and it's very easy for us (as outsiders) to jump to conclusions. At the end of the day it's all in Allah's will. Good luck to her in whatever she decides. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Adna Posted August 10, 2003 salaam I couldn't agree more bro king. Education is important but you can't hold ur life just because he doesn't have what u have you know. flying still sis tell ur cousin follow ur heart not for education. i belave no matter what kind of degree he got it will good for him not for her marka abaayo typical gentelman who can take responsbilities i beleive he will be fine. much love to ya'll Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
