NGONGE Posted October 16, 2006 Somayya Jabarti, Arab News JEDDAH, 5 June 2005 — To some, it’s an unthinkable act; for others, it’s better than loneliness, but in what is otherwise a conservative culture, misyar marriage goes against the grain. Misyar marriage is a legal alternative marital arrangement more Saudi men and women are using to offset prohibitive marriage costs and the stigma unmarried women face. In a misyar marriage the woman waives some of the rights she would enjoy in a normal marriage. Most misyar brides don’t change their residences but pursue marriage on a visitation basis. Some marriage officials say seven of 10 marriage contracts they conduct are misyar, and in some cases are asked to recommend prospective misyar partners. Most of the women opting for misyar either are divorced, widowed or beyond the customary marriage age. The majority of men who take part in such marital arrangements are already married. “All the misyar marriage contracts I conduct are between men and women remarrying,†said Abu Fawaz, who’s been a marriage official for four years. “For a misyar marriage all you need is witnesses, her dowry and the acceptance of both parties. Usually the woman either has her own place or lives with her family. Most of the time the woman’s family knows while the man’s family is in the dark about it, be it his first wife or any other family members.†Arab News surveyed 30 Saudi men and women aged 20-40 regarding misyar marriage. Over 60 percent of the men surveyed would consider misyar marriage for themselves with the majority of the respondents in their 20s. Those who would not consider it for themselves would not allow it for kin, be it sisters, brothers, sons or daughters. However, among the men who would consider it themselves, only two would find such a marriage acceptable for a female relative. “If I allowed myself to marry another man’s sister or daughter ‘misyarically’ then it would only be fair to accept the same for my own female kin,†said Mohammad H. “It’s a double standard for men to accept it for themselves and other men but not the females. After all, if we all took up the same policy then who would we marry — each other?†The reasons men gave for favoring misyar most often related to cost, with some asking “why not?†“I get to maintain all my rights, but I don’t have to take care of her financially and don’t even have to provide a house for her,†said 25-year-old Rayan Abdullah, an unmarried medical student at the city university. “It’s a great solution — isn’t it? It costs less than having a girlfriend — doesn’t it?†Or is it a male convenience in a male-dominated culture? “What are the things most of us married men complain about?†asked Ghazi Ahmad, a 38-year-old husband and father of three children. “Don’t all of us constantly complain about the financial burdens, the lack of personal freedom — the routine patterns? Then this is the best marriage ever as far as I’m concerned. Married but not married — perfect.†The opinions of women respondents about misyar marriage were a sharp contrast to the males’. More than 86 percent of the women 20-40 would not even consider such a marriage for themselves. Only four women — all in the over-40 category — would consider such marriages for themselves or relatives. Most of the women respondents called it “legal prostitution†or objected to the lack of women’s rights in misyar marriages. “I’m set in my ways,†said a 42-year-old bank manager who chose to call herself Muna Saad. “I live with my mother and couldn’t tolerate the idea of leaving her to live alone, and I’m comfortable financially. At the same time, I’d love to get married,†Muna said. “I also think it would be amusing for the roles to be reversed and sort of ‘own’ the man for a change and having him owe me rather than the other way around.†Despite optimistic expectations, such marriages are not always blissful. Former and current misyar spouses said it can become a nightmare if pregnancy results from the union or if there are already children from former marriages. With most misyar marriages rooted in secrecy, the husband is only a ghostly figure occasionally seen. Once a child is conceived, the luxury of secrecy disappears. “My second misyar marriage was doing fine despite my hawk of a first wife,†said Abu Abdul Rahman. “But that was only until my second wife got pregnant, and then the real nightmare began. She wanted to announce our relationship publicly because it put her in bad situations societally — you can’t be single and pregnant. I had to tell my family and my wife, and all hell broke loose. Now both marriages are on the rocks.†There can be other unforeseen consequences of secrecy. “I’d been married misyarically for almost a year when members of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice paid me a terrible visit accusing me of prostitution,†said a 35-year old divorcee and mother of two who chose to call herself Warda. “They wanted to drag me to the police station even though I kept shoving the marriage contract in their faces. I had to call my brother — with whom I wasn’t on speaking terms. It was terrible. I hated myself and hated all men — my children were 6- and 7-years-old.†A social worker who frequents the courts denounced misyar marriage. “The courts are overflowing with problems from regular marriages regarding financial obligations that husbands ignore, custody problems and alimony,†she said. “There is a horrible, growing problem in enforcing the law upon neglectful husbands and fathers. How can anyone legalize a procedure such as misyar marriage that will make room for more irresponsibility?†the social worker asked. “Unfortunately, misyar marriage has made it easier for irresponsible, immature individuals to enter a relationship that is supposed to be based on credibility, reliability and respect,†said Abu Zaid, an elderly marriage official. “This isn’t the case. It’s treated as a temporary solution for lust. That’s not what marriage is all about. In regular polygamy all wives have exactly the same rights over the husband, be it financial, be it regarding time spent together or being public. Women think that misyar marriage is for their benefit when in fact on a long-term basis, they pay the price and not just from their pockets but from their emotions, as well.†Many parents and children of misyar wives stated that they felt the woman as being sold short in such a marriage. Parents mostly said that the only reason they accepted the situation was in recognition of their daughters as adult women with their own needs and their right to respond to such needs. “I begged my divorced daughter not to marry a suitor who proposed a misyar marriage,†said Abu Fahda. “At the end, I gave in because I didn’t want to be the reason for her having an unlawful relationship with a man. I’m an adult, and I know she has her needs, but I’d be lying if I said that I have any respect for this stranger who comes to my house for intimacy with my daughter. I even have trouble looking her in the face,†he said. “My neighbor’s niece was married misyarically for a while, and then when the husband was done with her he just left her — just like that.†Abu Fahda’s grandchildren share his sentiments — especially sadness. “I don’t know who this man is — this man who comes to our house and spends time with my mother,†said the 6-year-old boy. “He’s not my father, and he can’t be her husband because fathers and husbands live with their families.†For sociologists, misyar marriage is a head-scratcher. “What are we telling others about our self-worth, and what are we telling our children about the significance and meaning of family?†asked Dr. Nahid L. “Marriage is about in-depth relationships — not just copulation. Why are more women willing to forgo what is theirs just to be ‘called’ or falsely feel married?†When marriage was created it was to ensure that no one gets anything for free. “Each, husband and wife, has duties and rights — and even in regular marriages women are already taken for granted. Marriage isn’t just about sex. Misyar marriage is only going to make things worse as far as I’m concerned.†Some say society msut consider other alternatives. “If they want to really solve the issue of unmarried women instead of making it easier for men to marry repeatedly and cheaply, they should make it easier for Saudi women to marry non-Saudis,†said a school teacher. “Years ago in college, I overheard one of my son’s friends talking about marriage and girls, and he asked ‘why buy the cow when the milk is free?’ They were talking about loose girls and there not being any need for marriage with them around,†said a university professor. “With misyar marriage, haven’t we just legalized the ‘why-buy-the-milk-when-the-cow-is-free’ syndrome? And we’re supposed to be civilized?†Source Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paragon Posted October 16, 2006 “With misyar marriage, haven’t we just legalized the ‘why-buy-the-milk-when-the-cow-is-free’ syndrome? . Er, yes sir! This is a very interesting arrangement lol. Walee single mother buu malageeda galey! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valenteenah. Posted October 16, 2006 I suppose it is something to be expected of Saudi society. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted October 16, 2006 I’ve got to admit, it’s a very tempting concept for many European Muslims. All those career girls, living alone and receiving a monthly salary that can finance a small village but are still single and never wanting to have a full-time husband, will find this sort of marriage very convenient. Single mothers that don’t want some new man to boss their children about might also love this kind of marriage. I don’t think we need to ask men about their opinions here. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paragon Posted October 16, 2006 ^^I hear you, son. I hear you . Questions? Unnecessary! [EDIT] OK, perhaps one question; Islamically, how permissive is this practice yaa NGONGE? Any idea? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Libaax-Sankataabte Posted October 16, 2006 This sounds like that "qudbasiro" thing. Odayaasheena have practiced it for years. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Haashim Posted October 16, 2006 OK, perhaps one question; Islamically, how permissive is this practice yaa NGONGE? Any idea? I remeber hearing the late Aheikh M. Bin Salah Al-Cuthaymiin (ALLAH YARXAMU) accepting Misyar marriage quoting (not exactly but roughly) "If she (the first wife) doesn't allow her husband to marry on her (publicly) then, she shouldn't be angry if he conduct this sort of marriage ....." or somethinfg similar to this.. So, as pragon said SM malaggeedaa galay, :cool: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paragon Posted October 16, 2006 Murad, the coast is clear markaa . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shakti Posted October 16, 2006 misyar marriage??This is news to me.. This is amazing. The yellow-teeth Saudi men really thought about every possible way to undermine their women!! May god help them.. Originally posted by NGONGE: will find this sort of marriage very convenient. Single mothers that don’t want some new man to boss their children about might also love this kind of marriage. I don’t think we need to ask men about their opinions here. Only convenience i see is in favor to MEN.. not 4 the single mother nor the career women. no self respecting woman will settle for b-call .... its better to be alone vs considering this arrangement Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N.O.R.F Posted October 17, 2006 On radio talk shows women are constantly complaining about their husbands not being a responsible man. Therefore i'm not surprised (especially the Saudis). It has become the norm to have problems in marriage due to the husband being out with his boys. I mean how can a grown man of 30+ be out 'with the boys' more often than with his family. Waa wax lalayabo. When you see grown men (usually in a group of 4) walking around malls goaping at scantly clad women, you begin to understand where those women on the phone-in shows are coming from. “Unfortunately, misyar marriage has made it easier for irresponsible, immature individuals to enter a relationship that is supposed to be based on credibility, reliability and respect,†NG, i'm sure many men would be tempted into such a marriage but it will inevitably bring down the family structure. Not just for now but for generations to come. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted October 17, 2006 Originally posted by Paragon: ^^I hear you, son. I hear you . Questions? Unnecessary! [EDIT] OK, perhaps one question; Islamically, how permissive is this practice yaa NGONGE? Any idea? The Institute of Islamic Religious Law in Saudi Arabia has legalised it (over 70 prominent Saudi Mullahs makeup that institute). The Sheikh of Egypt’s Azhar has also endorsed it and several other ‘celebrity’ mullahs have spoken about it and approved it. So, it sound that from an Islamic point of view, you’re good to go, saaxib. Apparently, as long as the conditions for a marriage contract are there, the marriage (call it misyar or otherwise) is legal. The only difference between this type of marriage and the traditional type of marriage is that the wife, at the outset of the marriage, agrees to waive some of her rights! According to all these scholars, this does not affect the legitimacy of this marriage! For any Islamic marriage to be considered legal, both parties have to be in agreement, the guardian of the bride has to also be in agreement, a dowry needs to be agreed, witnesses have to be in attendance and the marriage has to be announced. Northerner, You’re overreacting there, saaxib. You forget that the vast majority of women are unlikely to accept such a marriage and that, I think, is what will save us from your catastrophic prophecy about the destruction of the family structure. It’s just a fad that will go away with time. Besides, this misyar idea might finally become the instrument (xalaal one) that helps loosen the inequitable conservative control of Saudi society and allow women more freedom. PS Lest I mislead you all there, the mullahs approved the legitimacy of such a marriage but many do not wish to encourage it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N.O.R.F Posted October 17, 2006 I disagree saxib. This is not just a fad. It will become something of 'status symbol' to have such a marriage whether it be first, second or fourth. Arabs tend emphasis 'status' so this will be another one to add to the list and glorify (all be it descretly). The Institute of Islamic Religious Law in Saudi Arabia has legalised it (over 70 prominent Saudi Mullahs makeup that institute). The Sheikh of Egypt’s Azhar has also endorsed it and several other ‘celebrity’ mullahs have spoken about it and approved it. So, it sound that from an Islamic point of view, you’re good to go, saaxib. Apparently, as long as the conditions for a marriage contract are there, the marriage (call it misyar or otherwise) is legal. The only difference between this type of marriage and the traditional type of marriage is that the wife, at the outset of the marriage, agrees to waive some of her rights! Hmm, but can the woman 'agree' to waive rights given to her? Are those rights 'optional'? Ditto for the male. ps who are the 'celebrity' mullahs? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted October 17, 2006 Yes, apparently she can. It is a marriage contract after all and both parties can enter specific conditions into such a contract (as long as those conditions do not infringe on Allah’s law of course). Furthermore, from what I read on the subject, the wife on a misyar marriage can ask for her rights back at anytime and the husband has a choice of either granting her back those rights or divorcing her. The celebrity mullahs are the usual guys you see on TV (Al Kubaisi, Amer Khaled, etc). I was not referring to them in a derogatory way. So, what say you about arranging a little misyar something something the next time you're back here for a quick visit? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Valenteenah. Posted October 17, 2006 Originally posted by Northerner: Hmm, but can the woman 'agree' to waive rights given to her? Are those rights 'optional'? Ditto for the male. Good question. I too was wondering if the marital rights prescribed to women in the Qur'an should be so easily waived. And the Mullahs who endorse this practice, do they not consider the interests of women at all? Ever? I suppose it's pretty easy to roll over women's inherent rights when the lawmakers are strictly male. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N.O.R.F Posted October 17, 2006 loool@NG, ninyo mawaxad rabta in bud la-igu dufto? No thanks, i know my limits Waiving one's rights ordained is acceptable? Now i'm not as knowledgable as i wish and dont usually disagree with our scholars (as they are very clear in the decisions they make) but this one smells more like treating a marraige contract as a business contract. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
