Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 Never Argue With A Woman One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 Dear 2011, We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backward robes and rubberbands shaped like animals. . . Sincerely, 1950 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 Me: Can I use the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know, can you? Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the restroom? Teacher: ... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no, my wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 Late one night, a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's actually a talking clock." "You're crazy. Show me how it works then!" The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God’s sake… it's 3:30 in the goddamn morning!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 "Just because shes pregnant doesn't mean her face is. One good punch should do it." -unknown author Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 All my wife has been doing since it started raining is looking through the window with a sad look on her face. If she keeps this up I'll have to let her back inside. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. ‘Damn, that was stupiid,’ she thought as she fell. ‘What a way to die.’ As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ‘Do you suck?’ ‘No!’ she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. ‘Do you screw?’ he asked. ‘Of course not!’ she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. ‘I suck! I screw!’ she screamed in panic. ‘Slut!’ he said, and dropped her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 20, 2011 I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered somewhat embarrassed I said, "Doing just fine!" And the other person says, "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No ... I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 27, 2011 Impotence is natures way of saying ... no hard feelings. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 27, 2011 It's a hot summer and a lady walks into a store to look for some chocolate ice cream. Only thing is that when she gets there, there is a sign that says, "Ran out of chocolate "... She sees a worker there and ask "Hello young man, can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream?" Guy: "Sorry miss, but we ran out of chocolate ice cream, in fact we ran out of any type of chocolate anything." The lady doesn't believe him so she asks, "If you don't have a pint, may I have a gallon tub of chocolate ice cream?" Guy: "Sorry, all out, we have other flavours if you like." The lady insist again "Well, may I have a vanilla cone with some chocolate syrup on it please." The guy now a little mad responds "Lady, I said no chocolate! Look tell me something. What happens when you take the word straw out of strawberry?" Lady: "Berry" Guy: "Good, now what about van in vanilla?" Lady: "Illa?" Guy: "Good! And what about f*ck in chocolate?" Lady: (thinking hard) "But sir, there is no f*ck in chocolate!" Guy: " That's right lady!!! There is no f*cking chocolate!!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 27, 2011 A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 27, 2011 Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee. While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven. When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen. Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!" My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ms MoOns Posted May 27, 2011 I think that tone of voice and punctuation are really important. After all, it's the difference between crazy-@ss hair and crazy @ss-hair! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Oz Posted May 27, 2011 Too dirty for my likings hehehe, yes no effin berry... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
