The Maniac Muslim Articles

[- Femme -]

BAD DAWAH TACTICS:

 

Bad Dawah Tactics

Written by: Hamzah Moin.

 

We are all ambassadors to Islam. The way we spread Islam can have a big impact on our non-Muslim friends. We can either spread it in a subtle way or by going the whole nine yards. However, the following are things we should stop doing while giving out dawah. Yeeeech.

 

 

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The Horrendous Vocab

Do research on your audience. This is terrible:

 

Non-Muslim Female: Hi there… I’m Tiffany. I’m interested in Islam… *reaches out to shake hand*

Fanatical Muslim: I don’t shake hands with kafir scum. Especially kafir girls. Actually girls in general. Astagfirullah.

Non-Muslim Female: But –

Fanatical Muslim: Illicit touching is of the kufaar. I pray that the kufaar will burn in hell and all the kufaar females become eradicated before they whore themselves to innocent Muslim males.

Non-Muslim: Uh…

Fanatical Muslim: Now what is it you wanted to know about Islam?

*Non-Muslim runs off crying*

 

Courtesy and manners is key. Unfortunately the so-called learned people seem to lack it nowadays though.

 

 

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The Haram Factor

In Islam, nearly everything is Halal until proven otherwise. It’s sad to see people make it appear the opposite.

 

Non-Muslim: Okay I’m ready to be a Muslim. I’ll join up. What do I have to do?

Muslim: No pork. No alcohol. No sex before marriage. No interest (mortgages etc). No gayness.

Non-Muslim: But…

Muslim: Shut up. Now hurry up and convert so you can dump your kafir boyfriend and get married to me so I can impress my friends that I married a convert.

*Non-Muslim runs off crying*

 

 

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The Blame Game

So here I am, chatting it up with this other Muslim brother after Juma when he gives me this smackdown of a tidbit.

 

Random Muslim brother: Yeah so I applied to McDonalds right…

Hamzah: That’s nice. *rolls eyes*

Random Muslim brother: I know but get this… they DECLINED me.

Hamzah: You must be TOO talented for them. *rolls eyes*

Random Muslim brother: Yo, listen! I think they saw my name on my resumé and noticed that I was Muslim and threw it out.

Hamzah: You’re on to something. *rolls eyes*

Random Muslim brother: Yo man this kufaar society is against us man. I hate them all.

Hamzah: Rolls eyes. *rolls eyes*

 

After 9/11, the spotlight was firmly on Muslims. However, being famous doesn’t always have its upsides. When the spotlight is on you then people start talking. That’s probably why celebrity marriages last as long as Ramadan… some people just can’t take the spotlight. Muslims are like the same way. The spotlight is now on us...

 

Because of September 11th, people start asking us queries about Islam because they think we’re the guilty party. Based on the wonderfully non-biased news and media, it’s our responsibility to clarify what Islam is REALLY about. Peace, tolerance etc. It’s our chance to spread the good stuff. Instead, people blow this opportunity by playing the blame game and making up ****** conspiracy theories.

 

Here’s what a non-Muslim thinks about September 11th.

 

 

Here’s what a bizarre Muslim thinks about September 11th.

 

 

Say for example, you’re playing basketball or soccer game and your team loses. The classy people brush it off and reflect on the loss while the sore losers say things like “OMG the referee was biasedâ€, “OMG the net was too smallâ€, “OMG I couldn’t run, my hijab was on too tight†and more ****** excuses. My beef is with people who make crappy excuses and pins the blame on others without educating people about Islam first.

 

Now I’m not saying to stop believing in this stuff. Some people really dig it and I’m sure there’s some truth in there somewhere. I just think its lame when people blow good dawah opportunities to confuse the hell out of people who think these theories are ****** to begin with. If they think your theory is ****** then they will think Muslims are ****** . Don’t make Muslims look ****** . Shut up with the conspiracy theories. Keep them at the dinner table or movie theatre.

 

 

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The Moronic Character

Sometimes having a good character is dawah in itself. However it could be the opposite. If you’re a complete jackass then it sorta screws up the perception of Islam now doesn’t it? We need less kafir-cursing, guns-a-blazin' folk and more likeable characters in our ummah. People of the past were likeable. Why are people so rude today? *runs off crying*

[Mutakalim]

We have characters that fit this profile on this very Fora.

[- Femme -]

^ Are you going to name names or what?

 

KAFIRPHOBIA

 

Written by: Hamzah Moin

I'm dead scared of spiders. They creep me out. I don't want to start a mass spider genocide or anything ...I just don't like the way they walk. I mean they're cool because spiders bailed out the Prophet (SAW) in the cave while people were hunting him down but still, I have what is called arachnophobia: fear of spiders.

 

Other people are scared of many other things. I know people who are scared of rollercoasters. I make fun of those people. I also know people are afraid of tight spaces so they don't like the blanket on top of them because they fear the blanket would come alive and strangle them to death. I'm not friends with people like that.

 

However I would take all of the above over people who are kafirphobic - fear of kafirs. Kafirs are basically people who know about Islam but aren't a fan of accepting it. It's normal to leave it at that. However some folks get a bit wound up. They start screaming at anything that looks remotely kafir.

 

They scream at kafirs if they're sitting on a grassy knoll.

 

They scream at kafirs if they're at a peace rally

 

 

They even scream "Kafir" at Muslims for some reason.

 

They're not really that scary either. These "Kafirs" can give you flowers or chocolates and other goodies. I dunno about you but that sounds pretty sweet. Kafirs like to give out flowers and chocolates time-to-time so it's good to chill with them during Christmas and Easter.

 

So WHY do people have kafirphobia? What makes people run and scream from them as if they're some sort of monster or jinn? Nobody knows for sure, but I did some of my own research of the symptoms:

 

- Coughing, sneezing or sore throat while in a crowd of non-Muslims

- Dizziness when too close to a "non-Muslim"

- Massive stomach irritation when eating at a restaurant made by kafirs.

- Extreme itchiness when using a product and/or invention that was made by a kafir.

- Watery eyes when reading a book written by a Non-Muslim

- (Sometimes) IQ is at a sub-par level

 

Kafirphobia unfortunately still exists ... even when the nurse that helped bring us into this world was a kafir. Even when the people marching with us against the occupation of Palestine are kafirs. Even when we fall off our bikes, a nearby kafir would come and say "you okay?". Not all kafirs are evil. Just the ones that say they want to kill us or something. Those ones are no good. But the rest are cool.

 

Screw kafirs eh? There are bigger problems out there than "kafirs". I'm not saying to hug and kiss every non-Muslim you see out there. Some folks might not be a fan of that and lot of them don't use a lota. That problem is that we are scared of the wrong things. We shouldn't fear people. Just insects, rollercoasters and blankets.

 

Maniac Muslim Articles Page

[NGONGE]

Great site

[Sky]

Originally posted by Mutakallim:

We have characters that fit this profile on this very Fora.

True, true!

[Jacpher]

Kafirphobia unfortunately still exists ... even when the nurse that helped bring us into this world was a kafir.

Us who? You, (the author) & your siblings? Or me or Muslims? My nurse was Muslimah.

 

We need less kafir-cursing, guns-a-blazin' folk and more likeable characters in our ummah.

Is your character likeable? Generalizing the ummah isn't the way to go. You sure you're not advocating for integration or assimilation?

[Mutakalim]

Such as are familiar with Hamzah Moin's allusions, will find his comments invariably humorous. Such as mistake comicality for self-deprecation, will find no wit in his writings; and such as have been taught not to laugh, will, needless to say, not understand.

 

Here is another excerpt of his jocularity:-

 

Last week, local Imam Abdullah Saif, missed his first congregational Fajr prayer in years at Masjid Al-Akbar.

 

"We were all standing in a line after the iqama (call to prayer) was called and we didn't know what to do." said a regular Fajr goer. "We stood there for 5 minutes until we pushed that guy with that really huge beard up."

 

Imam Abdullah was devastated. "I can't believe it," he said, "I shouldn't have stayed up all night after Isha to argue with those Progressives in that Islamic chatroom. We argued about the permissability of Skittles all night long."

 

http://www.maniacmuslim.com/missprayer.html

[NGONGE]

^^^^ The first thing to make me laugh out loud in weeks, saaxib. Thanks for that. Skittles indeed.

[- Femme -]

Come on Ducaqabe. I know you want to laugh. It will make you feel better. Try it sometime.

 

Not just skittles. Have you been told Wonderbread is haram? Crazy Infedils.

 

SALAAM

 

Written by: Hamzah Moin

 

Saying salams to the opposite gender on campus is actually quite the trivial issue. Some scholars say that men should be required to initiate the salams to the sister while other scholars say it should be sister that should start off with the salams.

 

The following scenario looks at a common incident through different points of view and what exactly is going on inside the minds of a sister and a brother (in Islam).

 

Sister's Point of View:

 

**sister walks out of exam hall**

 

Oh my gyad, that chemistry test was so easy! I'm sooooo happy for finishing my last exam. This is the happiest day of my life! LOL!

 

**a brother exits from opposite exam hall**

 

Oh, WHO is that? Is he Muslim? He has an ugly beard ewww. He looks scary. And WHY is he walking this way? Oh my God he's headed straight towards me! Okay, be calm… it's all normal. Just be polite and make eye contact and…

 

BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum

SISTER: Walaikum Musalam

 

OH MY GOD. He just said salams to me! No way it must have been to someone else. Wait, but there is no one else around. OH MY GOD IT WAS FOR ME. But why? Why would a random brother just say salams to me? It just doesn't make sense. I've been wearing this hijab for ages… so why the salams NOW?

 

Hmmm, this brother looks like he's almost done in under grad. Isn't that the brother who got into med school? Wow he's so smart mashAllah. Why would someone like that say SALAM to me? Was he just trying to be nice? Hmmm.

 

OR maybe he was being MORE than nice. Yeah I think that has to be it. OMG no way. Does he like me??? I've never seen him before but I sometimes study in the science library so he probably saw me. Why wouldn't he say salams to me then? Maybe he was waiting to become more secure in his field before saying salams to me? I think that must be it. He is no doubt scouting people… of course.

 

This is soooo weird lol. But mashAllah he's a good looking brother. I'm sure he's pious. That beard looks good on him mashAllah. I wonder if he's talked to his parents about me yet? I hope his parents will like me. I'm a nice girl though. All the aunties love my personality lol.

 

But if he lives far away then I might have to move close to his parents' house because his job will probably be around there. Oh man the change in life will be sooooo hard to get used to. I wonder if he's going to live in his own place or if we're going to move in with his parents? I wouldn't mind living with his parents ONLY if they're open-minded. Uffff I hate close-minded people. I want to have nice in-laws.

 

I hope he wants a simple Nikkah. I can't stand all that extravagant crap that goes on nowadays. He seems very simple and down-to-earth though mashAllah. Definitely my kind of man. I wonder how he is with kids. I don't mind having kids but he better not be the type that wants like 50 kids. OMG that would so suck. 3 is a good number. I like the names Bilal , Mariam and Ayesha. InshAllah it'll be in that order.

 

I wonder if he's very science-y. I don't like when people are too science-y. I think our kids should do anything they want as long as they are successful. Bilal would make a good social worker I think.

 

He seems like the type that would always compliment my cooking, no matter how bad it is lol J I hate guys who think women belong in the kitchen. I think he'll help out once in awhile too. He seems so gentle and delicate hahah.

 

Wow I hope when Bilal grows up he'll let me and that brother live with him. I don't want to go to any retirement home! No inshAllah that brother will instil good values into Bilal. But OMG should I wait until he says salams again? I'm sure he'll make the first move.

 

Brother's Point of View.

 

**brother walks out of exam hall**

 

Wow. I think I failed that exam. I haven't shaven for days because of these ****** exams. I look like a werewolf. ****** science. I think I'll switch into political science next year… I can't take this. Hey is that a hijabi over there? Hmmm I think I should be polite and say salams.

 

BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum

SISTER: Walaikum Musalam

 

Man, I'm hungry. I wonder what's for dinner tonight? Hopefully spaghetti.

[Valenteenah.]

Hilarious Femme. I have never laughed so hard.

[Jacpher]

Femme,

 

The guy is weird. I visited the site and read some of the stuff. I took some of the things seriously but I think I know better now. Thanks.

 

Shaking my head.

[Kashafa]

Butter on toast ! Akh Hamzah's got the whole "young-muslim-in-the-west" scene figured out.

[Castro]

Originally posted by Kashafa:

Butter on toast ! Akh Hamzah's got the whole "young-muslim-in-the-west" scene figured out.

You're probably right, but mostly for Pakistanis. Somalis don't quite fit his skits. The lot of us is a differnt breed of muslims.

[Kashafa]

^^ That may be because you're not a 18-24 year old Somali(sheer assumption, of course). Hamzah doesn't really track well with the 50+ demographic

[Castro]

Originally posted by Kashafa:

^^ That may be because you're not a 18-24 year old Somali(sheer assumption, of course). Hamzah doesn't really track well with the 50+ demographic

55+. Still, it's mostly cultural and 18-24 year old Somalis didn't suddenly mutate to Pakistanis in the west.