In the Muslim world, there is an almost religious obsession with the idea of conspiracy theory. Whatever happens in the world is always referred back to this conspiracy. All the ills that befall the Arabs (and Muslims in turn) are blamed on America (and the West). The whole thing has become akin to the monsters in children’s stories, the wicked witch of the fairy tales, Cinderella’s stepmother or the innocent Somali hyena.
Now some of the theories do, on the odd occasion, turn out to be true, just like a hyena might occasionally snatch a Somali child or two. However, for the most part, most of these theories are fanciful, bizarre and farfetched, just like a hyena strolling into a ten-story building, walking into a flat and snatching a sleeping child (it still does not stop the theorists from peddling their nonsense or the mothers from scaring their kids).
The idea of conspiracy itself is not a new one nor is it difficult to understand. People are scared of the unknown and have to blame bad news on someone (or something). There was a time when the devil was directly burdened for all misfortunes that befell us. However, that soon became boring and we decided to complicate matters a little (or make them more interesting) by blaming his lieutenants instead. Of course, there are people (such as Iran) who still blame the devil directly (they just give him another name). But, on the whole, the trend has been one where the devil is forgotten and all the blame is laid at the doors of the West (America in particular). When push comes to shove, the argument goes that America (wittingly or unwittingly) is a lieutenant of the devil (for obvious religion related reasons).
With Somalis, the theory is further developed and the devil’s lieutenants have sergeants of their own (in the shape of Ethiopia). Some go further and argue that the sergeant has foot soldiers (SL, PL and TFG). I have never had the opportunity to ask what the foot soldiers’ supporters could be called! Boots perhaps?
By the tone of my words and possibly their delivery, I am sure that most readers have reached the conclusion that I do not believe in conspiracy theories. I find the whole idea very demeaning, patronising and extremely offensive. It implies that my people are easily led, effortlessly hoodwinked and readily deceived. It suggests that we are of lesser intelligence than those (who are said to be) plotting against us. It also excuses all our shortcomings by referring to this mighty conspiracy against us.
Yet, all is not lost. The same peddlers of conspiracy theories bring us great tidings. The fight back has (apparently) begun. Our brave Mujahedeen in Afghanistan, Chechnya, Kashmir and Somalia are all fighting to rid us of the devil and his followers. Some are fighting the devil itself, some his lieutenants and some his sergeants. Our brothers in Somalia (who would concern us the most, for obvious reasons) are now, after already repelling one of the sergeants, mostly engaging the boots.
I do not think I am the only man that does not believe in these wild theories. I have seen others rejecting them as vehemently as I do. They, like me, believe it is all a matter of interests and that the devil is innocent of any direct wrongdoing here (he may meddle, he may interfere and he may muddy the water though but the problems are all human).
Still, if we play along and assume that all these theories are true. That there are forces plotting against us and putting all the collective might of their intelligence, wealth and power into ensuring that they keep us down, is it then prudent that we entrust our salvation into the hands of young men, who though brave, have not shown any signs of intelligence or ability to counter plot - save for a couple of airplane hijackings, suicide bombings in crowded places and the ingenious bomb-in-a-buttocks incident that took place in Saudi Arabia recently!
Of course, I give the whole picture here but would really prefer to focus on Somalia and talk about our very own Mujahedeen there. They too embrace the conspiracy ideas and they too sing the Don Quixote rhetoric. Yet, conspiracy theories imply a sophisticated level of guile and subtlety. They involve cunning, intricacy and refinement that would confuse, unsettle and eventually hoodwink your average man or woman. These theories also (often) point to fifth columns, sell outs, turncoats and collaborators from within the society that is being targeted. Such theories, for all intents and purposes, could not be anything but the work of an intelligent and superior being, such as the devil itself. So, how do our brave Mujahedeen propose they deal with, expose and eventually defeat those conspiring against us? Guns and rockets? Well, that is one part. The ones conspiring against are said to use guns and rockets too. Fighting like with like is a good start. What next though? Guile, subtlety, tact? But we all know that our Shabab have the guile of a pregnant elephant and the tact of a drunk! What next? Where next?
President Karazi of Afghanistan has recently threatened to join the Taliban as a result of some US pressure. In my simple mind, this threw the cat amongst the pigeons. Does Karazi mean that the Taliban’s war is just? Could he be playing the subtle game here or is he throwing his toys out of the pram because America refused to give him another sweetener? What of Sheikh Sharif, is he using subtlety or is he out for his own interest (and hoping that they coincide with Somali interests)?
Still, let us forget all of this and start again. Al Shabab believe that sheikh Sharif is a puppet of Ethiopia and that Ethiopia is a puppet of the USA. They argue that both have ensured that the Somali nation remained in a state of continues war for the past twenty years. They say it is in Ethiopia’s interests that Somalia remains weak and divided (but they never say what America gains from this). They also believe that all those working for the TFG are in the pay of the USA (but they never tell us who pays Al Shabab and provides them with their guns). The TFG itself has many fantastical conspiracy theories of its own (from blaming Eritrea to double bluffing and blaming America for Al Shabab). But who is right and who is wrong and where do these conspiracy theories lead/end?
I am sure it has not escaped the attention of most readers that, lately, I have been depicted on this site as being the re-embodiment of the USA (with A&T being Ethiopia). Worse still, our very own Sheikh Maaddeey (like Sheikh Sharif) has been accused of being our puppet, with me (America) making up the ideas and A&T (lowly Ethiopia) executing these ideas. Now I am not here to confirm or deny these stories (or else the whole mystique of the conspiracy theory will be spoilt). However, what I will do is add more salt to this tasteless dish by asking if most of you usually fall for the Shabab rhetoric? Do you really believe Sheikh Sharif to be a puppet of Ethiopia? If you do, do you really believe Al Shabab to be noble Mujahedeen fighting for a just cause?
Now for the really difficult question: do you prefer Caravan Xiin who supports Sheikh Sharif or Al Shabab Xiin who accuses Sheikh Sharif (Maaddeey) of being a puppet?
At this point, I think the hip hop kids will be singing:
“will the real slim shady please stand up?”
