Love stand-up comedy?...what are your most memorable quotes?

[me]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?" - Chris Rock

 

No Sex (In the Champagne Room)

If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick.

If only smart people like your shit, it ain't that smart.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Cornbread, ain't nothing wrong with that.

 

Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

A man is only as faithful as his options.

If a kid call his grandma 'Mommy' and his momma 'Pam', he going to jail!

If a bullet cost $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.

Everytime a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us we can't run that fast.

(On the Columbine massacre)

 

"The Trenchcoat Mafia! "No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia..." Hey I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of 'em! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit that's three-on-three with a half court."

Who gives a **** what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?

A bunch of girls say 'you don't need no man to help you raise no child'... shut the **** up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good ******* idea!

If you said more words to him than 'Mommy'll be back' he might know something!

That's right, 'tell your momma, tell your momma, tell your momma'... Nobody tells daddy shit!

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans, you're daughter's gonna come home with Livin' la Vida Locaaa!!!

Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? Cos the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that 'I can't get a cab' shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back; 'Main Street!'

Black people yelling 'racism!'. White people yelling 'reverse racism!'. Chinese people yelling 'sideways racism!. And the Indians ain't yelling shit cos they dead. So everybody *****ing about how bad they people got it, nobody got it worse than the American Indian, everyone needs to calm the **** down.

I'm watching the news... Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets... no they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two nigga's got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on they birthday.

I ain't shooting nobody. So call me a faggot. When the war's over I'll be the faggot with two legs.

At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit.

A man lie is 'I was at Kevin's house!' a woman lie is like, 'It's your baby!'

 

Never Scared (HBO, 2004)

I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you ****ed up.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this ******* song. Lil' Jon. You know that shit: (Crowd sings along) 'To the window! To The Wall! To the sweat drip from my balls!' You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. 'To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls!

From my balls! From my balls! My balls!' I feel sorry for the guys that gotta' pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, 'Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?' 'Oh, she was singing about balls at a club! Skeet, skeet, skeet!'

 

Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, 'Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! I put a dick in the ear! I put a dick in the ear! Dick in the ear, dick in the ear! **** her in the eye, **** her in the eye! **** her in the eye, **** her in the eye! Blind the *****! Blind the *****! Blind the *****!'

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: 'He ain't talkin' 'bout me! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick!' He said your name! 'No, he didn't! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick!'

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report! They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper; they just take a piss around the body: 'Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick!'

I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was ******* Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "we gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole ******* country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says 'Guns'? Congressional hearing.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four.

(Talking about circus tiger that attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy) That tiger didn't go crazy, that tiger went tiger!

A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Remember when we was young everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

(On R Kelly) He's got a lot of balls. Talkin' bout 'it ain't me'. Got a damn sex tape out; 'it ain't me'. Mother****** we know what you look like. That's you, ok? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.

What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnny Cochran?

It's hard to defend "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move *****, get out the way"! (pretends to explain) ...well, as you can see, there's a ***** in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "Move, *****, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the *****es out of your way!

You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do... is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about *******, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ***. He's like 'Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go **** this ***** right now!

If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in they pocket!

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, (chants) "'USA! USA! USA!' Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it don't you think?"

A lot of white people like to scream they American is if they've got something to do with the country being the way it is... like they was on the Mayflower or some shit.

All you crazy white people (impersonates) 'I'm American!', all you did was come out of you mother's ***** on American soil. That's it. That's it! What you think you're better than somebody from France cos you came out of a ***** in Detroit?

Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang 'I'm conservative, I'm liberal, I'm conservative'. Bullshit! Be a ******* person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, ok? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. 'Ahh here you go Shaq, go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling bling!'

You know the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a ****, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage.

'Mr President what about the war, when's it gonna end?'

'Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!'

'Mr President what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?'

'Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!'

'Mr President, what about gay marriage?'

'**** them faggots!'

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

Fellas, when you wake up in the morning you should look yourself in the mirror and say '**** you.' **** your hopes, **** your dreams, **** your plans... **** everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this ***** happy.'

Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them... "**** that *****, ", "**** that *****." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that *****es throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.

But here's what they don't tell you, You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They always complaining about something. You can **** a woman with a diamond dick and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me cum so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You so ******* cheap."

So if your black or brown you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do it better be positive, cause if one person is harmed you will be destroyed. You see Oprah she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

We can't have gay marriage cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and 'Who Wants to Marry a Midget". Get the **** outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how ******* sacred is that shit?

Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. KILLS mutha*****s every single day. Some of y'all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like "Oh that Chris Rock sure is funny, Oh! SHIT!" But it's alright cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarettes the most dangerous product known to man. Kills mutha*****s every single day. Cigarettes so dangerous it kills mutha*****s that don't smoke. Thats how dangerous cigarettes are. Thats right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a ******* machine like "Hey whats up man, I love cigarettes this shit is kool." But it's alright cause it's all white. Shit could you imagine if the Phillip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be. You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's alright cause it's all white.

So think about the poor slave who could read, but was scared to teach their kids to read for fear they would be killing their kids. Think about the poor slave that rode to town every week. Think about the poor slave who rode the buggy to town every week. Riding the buggy...riding the buggy, And he could read, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. And up ahead he sees a busy intersection, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. Then he sees a STOP sign, ----------. Now he's in a big dilemma. "If I go through this intersection I'm a have a accident, If I stop, these crackers will kill me." And he's riding the buggy and in the last minute he says '**** it' goes through the intersection has a big ol' accident. Almost kills somebody. Then the police come; "Nigga what is wrong with you, Nigga what the **** is wrong with you. You could have killed somebody Nigga. Didn't see that stop sign?" "Oh I don't know what you talking 'bout." "You didn't see that stop sign, that stop sign back there?" "Oh you mean that OCTAGON thing." "Nigga who taught you octagon?"

It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, cause you know they're ****in'. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally, you might even see some clear heels! [referring to strippers]

Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant she don't want to hear shit from the man. **** you, mutha**** you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she like "Where my check?"

When a woman get pregnant it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents "child you should have that baby that man got some good hair, it's wavy it's wavy" Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents. "Girl, why are we even talking about this. Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? GET RID OF THAT BABY". And that's how life is decided in America.

The number one reason people hate America; the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government, but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church the church of ATM, everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up... remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like, "You better go see a teller." You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh, it's disgusting... oh man, you gotta wait on that long *** line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the ******* front you fill out your form, eight fifty. The ******* teller looks at it, she look at you, she looks at the check, she don't even take the money out of the drawer, she take it out of her pocket, "Here you go, get outta here." And here's something, man. Drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open twenty-four hours a day. Twenty-four hours a day. For who? Who the **** is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen an go "C'mon man, save your money, man. Don't buy drugs, buy some rims. They spinning, nigger, they spinning, they spinning, nigger, they spinning." Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn't church would be empty.

 

Big *** Jokes (Chris' First HBO Special)

Woman in audience: Hey, Chris!

Chris: Hey, girl! Gimme back my money!

When I see a fine sister with a white man, I get pissed. I get mad. I don't get violent, but I get mad. I'm like 'Damn, baby, what do I got to do... to get with you?' I mean, what must I do?

Debbie Thomas married a white man. Walked down the aisle! I was mad at first. I was like, 'Damn, Debbie. What do I got to do... to get with you?' Then I thought it over and said 'You know what? I bet she didn't meet a lot of brothers on the ice!'

'Yo I heard Chris got hit by a bus!' '****ed around with a white girl!'

Debbie Thomas went to the Olympics... bust her ***! ****ed around with a white boy!

Michael Jackson about to lose everything he owns. You know why? ****ed around with a white boy!

Chinese people got dissed, they formed their own shit. Chinese people get dissed, it's like '**** you... Chinatown!' Okay? Italian people got dissed, they formed their own shit. Italian people get dissed, it's like '**** you... Little Italy!' A'ight? I don't care what country you go into: you will not find Little Africa anywhere. What, the ghetto? Little burnt-up Africa?

There's nothing that a white man with a penny hates more... than a nigger with a nickel!

 

Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

A black man failing black history ... You know fat people don't fail cooking.

This movie's so good, I gotta bust a cap in it!

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean "red meat'll kill you?" Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no GREEN meat... if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!

We got so much food in America, we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a ****in' lactose intolerance?!

That shit wasn't about race... that shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

I'm not saying he should have killed her, but I understand.

You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga'll brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga'll say some shit like 'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha ******! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having mother******!

Community college is like a disco with books; 'Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!'

Every man has to settle down, eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Who's more racist? Black people or White people? Black people! Ya know why? Because black people hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

You can't have shit when you around niggas, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it but you better move it in at 3 in the mornin'. Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in yo house! Why?! Because niggas'll break in your house. Nigga's that live next door to you break in your house, come over the next day and go 'I heard you got robbed.' Nigga you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit cause you was doin shit.

 

Miscellaneous

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips. (In regards to fame) [1]

Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow. -(At the Academy Awards as host)

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl! -(At the Academy Awards as host)

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. -(At the Academy Awards as host)

I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.

In an interview at Live Earth in London

George Bush hates midgets.

(At a concert supporting Katrina Relief. In reference to Kanye West's comment)

Yo wassup! This is Chris Rock and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everthing in the mother****in' club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the mother****in' club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!

(In Lil Jon's CD Crunk Juice: Track 15.)

[Ariadne]

I heart John Stewarts early stand up comedy.

 

On getting older:

 

"went to see my doctor cuause I had this hemaroid. Yeah you never hear people saying; Yeah I have been having this pain in my a%$ for the past six months. When you get a pain there you go right away!.

So he looks in with his flashlight while I am bended over and he said " hey there's no hemmoroid ther ( in an accusing tone) like I was hiding it. I just wasn't expecting it.

But then again what was I expecting?

magnificent!

You are going up on my refridgerator door."

 

 

Miscellanious:

 

Golf is the only sport where you get your own slave

 

I am sick and tired of everytime a kid gets suck into a t.v, or the radio starts bleeding, ghost starts to haunt the place;that they always balme it on Indian burial grounds.

Well I got news for you. This whole da#mned continent is an Indian burial ground.

 

Oh and they keep telling you you have o do new things. Like drink 8 glasses of water. I can't do that! eight beers no problem!