5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOU ARE PARTNER

[Mindstate]

I'd like to share this article I've read as a guide before we think of getting married.

 

 

 

(by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.)

 

A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

 

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

 

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

 

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line- and marry someone who wants the same thing.

 

 

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

 

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing. "So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right

thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

 

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

 

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

 

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework

[finestsista2005]

tagune, I would not fall my heart. I would follow my head to lead me to the right person then follow my heart. Trust me guys wallahi heart is always headache and pain....i can leave without it for now.

 

The person u choosing should have the qualities and personalitly. Don't lead with your heart, think about it when you have exam does your heart help you heck no it's your knowledge right. Atleast i know. What you know inside called preminition will probably happen. 4real, if you know you can have them, chances are u will. If you thing there are obstacles and you worried move on. Simple than done.

 

later

[finestsista2005]

Quote said by Mindstate

 

" conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart."

 

i love it, couldn't put it in another way! Thanx for the article!

[kiLLaflows]

I think the Rabbi is talking some sense here! It is always good to have an open mind when you get into a relationship. If not you will be stuck with your own beliefs and not give your partner the chance to express hers! That is why I am very open minded with this article.

 

I also belief that love alone can't sustain a happy relationship. There are a combination of things that a couple must incorporate with love to make their relationship HAPPY... don't you guys think? For instance, you can be in love with two people at the same time... but where is the faith and trust in that? So, there must be faith and trust... right? What about this??? You can be in love physically to a person with a not so nice attitude... you know the type that always puts you down?? Where is the respect in this relationship? What a last example!? You could be in love with a person who is so stubborn and relentless with their own beliefs that she doesn't even give you enough time to express yours? Where is the growth and support? You must give yourself a break too. Why continue with a relationship that is not going anywhere when perhaps if you had time to meet others you soon find that Ms. Right that you have always been looking for

[Mindstate]

I absolutely agree with you Master Mafia. Relationship is not about Love alone. At first, yes, it feels good to hang on to someone and be blinded with love . The saddest part of such belief, as time goes on, we develop negative energies such as frustrations, heartaches, bruised pride, and even lose our self-respect as well as self-esteem when the person you love has no sensitivity to try to grow or change for the better. Who wants someone who can't even treat nicely her own family and people from all walks of life? I used to be so inlove with my ex gf and we get to live together for (3) long years. I was young to realize the value of loving myself first. I have loved her more than I could even love myself. I see her disrespect her mom and siblings. I comforted myself that it's normal for her to do the same thing to me coz she can't even respect her own mother. Indeed I was mentally and physically battered but I hanged on with the relationship, just becoz of that crazy , It was not healthy for me and I am glad I got out it before I lose my sanity.

 

The rabbi is not saying our partner should possessed all those extraordinary qualities. It's plain and reasonable. If both of you have different interest and no one wants to make compromises, do you think the relationship works? Compatibility is important to enjoy each other's company.

There are no set rules or guidelines for Love...The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. But we need some guidelines for the kind of relationship we desire. We all have a free choice from our God, yet, we have Ten Commandments to guide us to keep our moral values intact, otherwise it will be a chaotic, miserable world for all of us.

 

I have read the book by Cherie Carter-Scott, Phd "IF LOVE IS A GAME, THESE ARE THE RULES..Ten Rules for Finding Love and Creating Long-Lasting, Authentic Relationships". Let me share with you some lines from the book:

 

"Love requires that we go deeper than the thrill of infatuation, and beyond the rush of chemistry. Many people have bought into the myth that there is someone out there who will serve as our better half. This paradigm presumes that we are incomplete and require a partner to make us whole, and it feeds into what I call the hole in the soul syndrome` a core sense of insufficiency leading to feelings of emptiness, neediness and self-reproach. Because of these feelings, we look for a partner to fill the holes. Wanting connotes sufficiency and desire; needing connotes insufficiency and dependency. "I need" creates a vacuum effect that forces you to clutch, grab, cling, and consume; "I want" creates an openness that enables you to explore, consider, and shape the relationship you desire. It is only when you operate from the basis of being a whole person that you can find love based on "want" and not on "need". IF THERE IS ONE BASIC LAW ABOUT THE ENERGY OF LOVE, IT IS THIS: HOW YOU PERCEIVE AND TREAT YOURSELF IS EXACTLY HOW OTHERS WILL PERCEIVE AND TREAT YOU".

 

It is a wonderful feeling to fall inlove but we also have to think of ourselves. Partnering is a choice. We have to choose the kind of person we want to live with for the rest of our lives. We all deserve to be happy, treated with respect and care. Life doesn't make us, we make our own life.