Somali mothers and their youth

[Bambina]

Salam Alaykum ,

 

This is not a topic where fingers are pointed towards parents for some of their kids'failure ,its rather a thread where Im asking nomads for advices regarding how mothers should deal with their children specially regarding those who do not respect Islamic principles.My post is quite long ,I need your patience because your eyes might get tired but its worth to read.

 

I believe every Somali girls (even guys) should be deeply concerned because one day or another we will have children and our attitudes towards them , might change the way they will behave in society and what Im about to share with you is from personal experience.

 

I lived once with 2 different aunts , one when I was still living in Tdot , the other here in OT.These 2 aunts have many things in common , their husbands are not in Canada , and no they are not divorced but I will not get into details regarding their husbands'absences because this topic concernes mothers.Both of my aunts have children , one got 5 ,the other 7 , both of their offsprings are aged between 16 to 30.

 

Here comes the problem , some of their kids(including the older ones) got into fights , involved with alcohol and the police , stole money from their siblings, disrespected their mothers by insulting them or did not help with the house chores despite the Islamic way that their mothers brought them up.

 

I know that in Islam , its not recommended to reveal your faults to strangers. So Im wondering if my aunts are applying this principle to their lives by not suggesting their children to get some help outside.

 

But here comes the differences between my aunts , one knows that some of her kids are messed up and complains about their lack of sensitivity , the other prefers to bury her head in the sand and refuses to face the truth about one of her sons and thus pretends that everything is ok in the house.

 

The conlusions that I drew were that both my aunts did not help their kids by asking some of them to leave their houses and get on with their lives. In fact ,I believe that despite their best efforts ,they do not understand that contributing to their children's well-being starts when you distance yourself from your kids. The speeches that I always get is: " my kids need me " or " Besides me , they have nobody else to care of them " .

 

And to be honest ,Im sick , angry and at the same time , Im very sad because mothers are sometimes weak and are willing to believe that their kids need them even though some might not give a damn shit. Im surprised by what some mothers will go through for their children. To me its not fair that a 50 years-old mom will run after her 20 or 30 years-old kids ,specially when their are old enough to contribute in the family by getting a job.

 

You are wondering why Im posting this ,because to be honest since I lived with my aunts ,Im scared of getting married and having children ,because I dont want them to end up like them.Im aware that nobody can predict the future and sometimes despite the best education ,some kids end up losers.

 

But the issue here is how would I deal if my kids had unislamic behaviors ,would I bury my head in the sand or help them by let them face the truth even If I had to ask them to leave home? Does the absence of fathers play a key role?

 

So Nomads how would you tell certain mothers to help their children considering the fact that some will get offended( Im not in good terms with one of aunts because of that) if you advise them with anything regarding their offsprings'manners?

[Thinkerman]

You are wondering why Im posting this ,because to be honest since I lived with my aunts ,Im scared of getting married and having children ,because I dont want them to end up like them.Im aware that nobody can predict the future and sometimes despite the best education ,some kids end up losers.

I can see what you mean bambina, lakiin its a logic i hope that doesnt weigh you down for too long.

 

For me i think the Key thing to emphasis is the Prolonged Absences of the Husbands/Fathers in Families. I am not sure (so nomads correct me if am wrong) lakiin the Islamic ruiling on Husbands being away from the spouces is that a period of More than 6 months is Wrong and in such a cricumstance the wife could apply to terminate the Marriage.

 

If this is the case then it is with good reason, and thats all i would have to say from the Islamic stand point since i can elaborate any further.

 

If a child is to grow up, to become a strong/disiplined Individual , that is to say not dependant on their parents to behave good 24/7, then they need their parents to help them develop good character, strong islamic identiy and Taqwa

 

Clearly living in the countries we are in provides us with difficulties.

 

Lakiin the parents/Parent will need to create an Islamic enviroment in the house for their kids to try to develop as good muslims. If a household is filled with disobediance, no order, and if Islam isnt the dominant feature where the kids grow up most of the time, if Islam doesnt dictate how things are organised and how people live, then clearly its not unreasonable to see a child grow up and take a bad turn.

 

The fault i believe lies in the Parents consenting to living apart for soo long, its Not fair on the kids and certainly it isnt fair on the single Mothers.

[Mombasa_QUEEN]

hey bambina to me is how you treat your children whe they are growing up. one thing i know is those children may endup in some shelter laiter own if they dont do nothing about it and also if they get into such trouble as alchol-robbery-and so on they reputation will be damage and at the time that they would realize they have to do something about it, it will be to late for them. and also one thing about somali mother they dont talk to their kids i mean they should have a time that family gother around and talk about these things to me my mother make sure we all had everything we needed and also the reason why you're aunty kids get to fight is luck of respect that is going on the house seriously ic see that alot even to my own lvoely friends. so who know when we will become mother god know but just make sure you put you children first in any matter make them fell like they are loved and cared and also talk with them and let them know the reality if we or they dont to talk to thir own kids who will? so it's just a matter of us taking it in our own hands sisters.

 

one thing to father is they should be their with there own kids dont just let the mother do all the work even thought it could come some times when the father need to make money but he also whould realize that without no father it will be to hard to keep up with the 7 or more kids.

 

iam done

[Changed]

I am not sure (so nomads correct me if am wrong) lakiin the Islamic ruiling on Husbands being away from the spouces is that a period of More than 6 months is Wrong and in such a cricumstance the wife could apply to terminate the Marriage.

I dont think its six months its 2 years.

 

Bambina, I totally agree with you and i have seen cases like the one u mentioned so many times.

 

I think parents should develop a relationship with their children, you might have noticed somali parents and their ofspring's dont have a friendly relationship,(its based on did u do this, or that ; more like business rather than personal) being a friend and a parent at the same time. I think they need to have a bond with their kids, so the kids dont feel the presure, instead they feel comfortablity, parents should be the first person you go to when in trouble not the one's you try to hide your troubles from, parents should also be the once's confide with.

 

Instead of being the mean parent , or the leneant parent, or the overly friendly parent; why not balance it all out? have the friendly relationship but enforce a law that cant be broken.

 

i dont think it will effect you because you have experienced it all and,i think you have all it takes

[Tuujiye]

Bambina this is a realy good topic sis...you should be active in our community..start with SSA at Ottawa U sis...

 

In this summer their will be many events here in ottawa and toronto..

 

60% of the youth in jail are somalians and most of them are in their for something very small..

about the fathers being away has something big to do with it...

 

very good topic sis..look for an event coming up in ottawa..and is talking about the point that you are making here sis...

 

I will talk more about this but i wanna see what others has to say first..

 

bambina nice topic sis..good thinking..

[PlayMaker]

To me its not fair that a 50 years-old mom will run after her 20 or 30 years-old kids

That is sad, a grown a$$ man acting like a loser instead of helping his mother, she have to look after them . I am sure she did her best but sometimes you have enforce a tough love that could benefit for them too in the long run. She should kick them out period and let them become a man instead of babysitting these grown man.