Here’s an Interesting Article -- Ladies “What’s the REAL reason?”

[Faheema.]

Is it your fault you're single?

 

So you’re single – and you don’t want to be. It seems there are very few good men out there, and on those rare occasions when you do think you’ve met Mr Right, he turns out to be Mr Not-Quite (or Mr Absolutely-Not). But maybe, just maybe, the main reason you’re still single lies with you.

 

Whether it’s down to image, attitude, tactics – or a mixture of all three – perhaps there’s a certain aspect of your singleton style that needs changing in order to turn things around. So settle down, take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions…

 

Am I too fussy?

 

As we get older, we grow tired of playing games. If he doesn't call when he says he will or turns up late - on the night you've arranged for him to meet your friends, it's tempting to dump him there and then. But if you expect 100 per cent from every new man, and don't give him the chance to show he's not so bad after all, there's always the chance you could be missing out on your best-ever relationship.

 

'Nobody's perfect - and there's no such thing as the perfect mate,' says relationships expert Gladeana McMahon, Fellow of the Association for Coaching. 'Some women find it hard to differentiate between those qualities that are essential to them - such as kindness, humour ect- and those that are preferable, but fairly easy to live without. The 80/20 rule is a good one to follow: if you can get 80 per cent of what you want in life, you're doing really well; but you need to learn there will always be 20 per cent where you're unlikely to be fully satisfied.'

 

It's also important that you don't make snap judgements about a man's personality, based on first impressions. Even if he's wearing a naff tank-top or starts telling you how much he misses the Queen Mother, don't naturally assume that he's not the man for you.

 

'Because people have so little to go on when they first meet, they tend to amplify the few clues available,' says Louise Raggett. 'Women are more likely than men to project these assumptions into the future and make spur-of-the-moment decisions about whether or not they could live with certain imagined "traits" for the rest of their lives. If you find you're doing this, poke yourself with a fork! It could be impairing your judgement more than the anything!'

 

Am I sending out the wrong signals?

 

When you’re younger, you don’t have to try hard to communicate that you’re single and ‘available’ – simply because the majority of people you meet are in the same boat. But as you reach your late twenties, more people are attached, so if you see someone you fancy for the first time in a bar (Riwaayad for the somalis), at the office or at the bus stop, you need to put in a little more work.

 

‘If you want to let a man know you’re interested in him, it’s your body language that counts,’ says image consultant Ceril Campbell. 'Look straight into his eyes when he talks to you, perhaps fiddle with your hair and - if you're really going in for the kill - mimic his behaviour in subtle little ways. Also, never cross your arms in front of your body: men prefer open body language - but, obviously, stop short of opening your legs!'

 

So what should you wear in order to send out the message that you're 'available' - without looking desperate? The first rule, according to Ceril, is not to overdo the sex-kitten look. ‘Most men want to look at sexy, scantily dressed women – but they don't want to go out with them,’ she says. 'Everyone has something sexy about them, but there's no need to overdo it: the trick is to be elegant and pretty, rather than in-your-face tarty.'

 

By the same token, however, it's important that you don't just fade into the background. 'Steer clear of neutral colours - other than black and white - and anything that matches your skin tone,' Ceril continues. 'If you want to be noticed, beiges, fawns and taupes are all big no-nos. But you can liven up a neutral outfit for the office by adding a splash of colour with a pink or turquoise top, or a bright scarf.'

 

 

Am I still obsessed with my ex?

 

If you've recently come out of a long-term relationship, it's natural for your ex-partner to be lurking in your thoughts whenever you date - or think about dating - someone else. But if all you talk about is how you've been hurt in the past - or you expect every man to treat you badly just because your ex did - any new relationship is never going to get off the starting block.

 

'Of course, past relationships can impact on current ones,' says life coach Gladeana McMahon, Fellow of the Association for Coaching. 'If your last partner left you for another woman, or you didn't see the end coming, you may be more clingy and vigilant next time.

 

'But it's important to remember that each new partner is a new person, so you need to find out how he operates. If he's tended to play the field, there's no reason to think he won't while he's with you - but if he's had a series of committed relationships, he's likely to be more serious about you. It's important to learn from the past, but not live with it.'

 

Louise Raggett says: 'Look on each relationship as a learning experience - however painful, wonderful or exciting it was, think about what it told you about you and what you do and don't need from a partner. You can then work out what behaviours and choices have served you well in the past, and take them forward into the next relationship. Likewise, you can dump anything that's held you back.'

 

Am I too busy?

 

Bridget Jones star Renée Zellweger once told an interviewer when asked about her apparently non-existent lovelife: 'I'm not single - I'm busy.' And it's true that with our hectic modern lifestyles - juggling work, friends and family - many of us think that we just don't have time to look for Mr Right. In fact, up to three million singletons say they're too busy for love, according to a recent survey. But if you're not happy about being single, you simply have to find the time.

 

'We live in a fast society - fast food, fast relationships, instant decisions,' says life coach Gladeana McMahon, Fellow of the Association for Coaching. 'However, you only get to know someone over time and with a little effort.'

 

'Nowadays, lots of women put off finding a partner while they concentrate on their careers,' says Louise Raggett, love coach for udate.com. 'Then when they're in their thirties and do feel ready to meet someone new, they just haven't got the time to trawl pubs and clubs looking for their ideal partner.'

 

OK, so how do you find the time? Well, savvy singletons are increasingly taking short cuts such as speed-dating and online services. 'Women turn to online dating for a number of reasons,' explains Louise. 'Men have to woo you with more than a free drink, they can't stare at your chest while you're talking - and you can be forward and flirtatious with less reservation than you might do in person. With a bit of intelligent window-shopping, you can find out a lot more about someone in a few seconds than you can all evening in a crowded pub - so it's a great time-saver.'

 

Am I too shy?

 

It's one thing to spot someone you fancy - but quite another to pluck up the courage to let him know. But if shyness alone is stopping you from making a move, it's time to bite the bullet and be a little braver.

 

'Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen and whether you could live with it,' says Louise Raggett, love coach for udate.com. 'Most fears are unfounded: usually guys will just be flattered, even if they aren't interested - and if you're not embarrassed, he won't be either.'

 

Right, so what do you say to him - assuming that, 'Do you come here often?' doesn't really cut the mustard? 'Actually, it doesn't matter what your opening line is,' Louise insists. 'Most men know that whatever you say is just an excuse to start a conversation - and that's fine. In fact, a clever remark can sometimes be off-putting. If he's interested, he'll take the bait - and if he's not, it doesn't matter anyway. So pick someone you like and say anything.'

 

But what if you want to make a move on someone you already know quite well? 'Find topics you know he's interested in - music, films, ect- and talk about these,' advises life coach Gladeana McMahon, Fellow of the Association for Coaching. 'You could then suggest that speaking to him about it has made you realise how much you miss the activity, and suggest that the two of you see a film/go to a club/whatever soon. If you just weave the suggestion into the conversation, even if he says "no", it's unlikely to be devastating: most people will let others down gently.'

 

 

Hmmm, well I can positively say I am guilty of at least 1 of above analysis,“Too Fussy”. and according to the article that spells disaster, oh well :rolleyes:

 

Sisters, feel free to express your opinions.

[A7LA-SHU]

aye what is wrong with being single? i think is great.. enjoy ur life and when n if mr/mrs right comes along sure. if not im not gonna date strangers and weirds so i can say im with someone.. but my reason i would say im scare to commitment... i just have that lil voice that says what if this and if that.. so i think im better off not botherin about if this n dat..

 

so i would say ppl who are single got their reasons. but the main reason i would say it isn't their time yet.. so untill that day comes along do ur thing yo..

[Xafsa]

Originally posted by Shayma:

 

 

 

 

As we get older, we grow tired of playing games. If he doesn't call when he says he will or turns up late - on the night you've arranged for him to meet your friends, it's tempting to dump him there and then.

lol...thats me....If he doesn't call me back when he says he will...I start to think may be i'm just wasting my time....or maybe I should just fire him...and find me a replacement

 

 

But seriously there is nothing wrong with being single...besides in my eyes if you aint married then your single.

peace and luv

[Faheema.]

This article has probably more in common with middle-age white woman than a young Somali sister. Nevertheless, it has some justifiable reasons that some of us can relate to.

 

You’re right ladies; there is nothing wrong with being single as long as you are content.

So, let your guards down, no need to get all defensive. This is just another column writer’s point of view.