Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road? ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is. GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

Some things that make you go hmmm.... 1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? 2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse? 4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 5. How do a fool and his money GET together? 6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways? 7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? 8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation? 9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? 10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? 11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 13. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have? 15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines? 16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? 18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G? 19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? 20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID? 21. How come there aren't B batteries? 22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver? 23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there? 24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars? 25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 26. How is it possible to have a civil war? 27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? 30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? 32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime? 33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others? 35. How do you throw away a garbage can? 36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? 37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? 42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8? 44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? 45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? 46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? 48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about? 49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". **** off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ******* ceiling up there. What did you come here for? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you ******* pulled me over. When people say "Life is short." What the **** ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer? When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper! When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself. "Welllllll, what have we here..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue. "We'll see." First I have to check my malpractice insurance. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." I hate those guys mooching in on our fees. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.) "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a 40% interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune. "How are we today?" I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit through their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" I can't remember your name, nor why you are here. "This should fix you up." The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms. "Everything seems to be normal." I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees. "Why don't you slip out of your things." I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all *****y every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

SORRY NO JOKES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question: Which is your favourite Teletubbie: A. Yellow B. Purple C. Green D. Red (DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN) Profile for women... A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people! B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down. C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you. D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination. Profile for men... A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are a sissy. B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are a sissy. C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are a sissy. D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are a sissy.

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them... Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Too many freaks. Not enough circuses. She Who MUST be obeyed Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. My reality check bounced. I love my cat. My cat does not care. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate. Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Never argue with an ***** . They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about? Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment. Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt? And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. No one pays attention until you make a mistake. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. What am I? Fly paper for freaks? I'm not rude. You're just insignificant. If I save time, when do I get it back? A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer. Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount! Does fuzzy logic tickle? Born free. Taxed to death. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress? All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine! Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...? Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. The trouble with life is there's no background music. Women have PMS. Men have ESPN. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life. Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich. Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on? If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits! Barney sucks. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going. If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails. Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money. If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement. Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks. I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it. People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists. Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The difference between genius and ********* is that genius has it limits. Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. . STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. The screw up fairy has visited us again. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1? Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. To err is human. To forgive is not company policy. Constant change is here to stay. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Don’t be old until you have lived! Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground. Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT

There was a father and he had 2 daughters working in his business. One day he decided to extend it and hire another employee. He hired a young, experienced man and welcomed him to the business and introduced him to his wife and 2 daughters. The young man asked the father to call him "Aniga", he asked the wife to call him "Asaga"and he asked the 2 daughters to call him "Abe". The family thought that was weird, but were too polite to say so, so they started calling him by those names he each asked them. The young man was lusting after the 2 girls and wanted to sleep with them, but knew that their father would kill him. Then one day the father asked the young man to get his socks from upstairs. The guy got a brilliant plan and ran upstairs, called the 2 daughters and told them "your daddy told me to sleep with you both", they were shocked and unbelieving, so he said "I'll prove it to you". Then he yelled down to the father "Did you say both"? The father, thinking that he was talking about the socks yelled back "of course both,you ***** ". So he sleept with them and they got pregnant. The girls were bought to court because they had sex without marriage. The judge called the girls and said "Who did you sleep with", they replied "Abe". The court was stunned. Then they called the wife and said who did this to your daughters, she said sobbingly "Asaga". Then alarmed at this point, they called the father, and when asked about who impregranted his daughters angerily replied "Aniga".

Our women are beautiful, physically and mentally strong and charismatic plp and that is why they are too confident. They have many reason to be. There is no reason to be over confident. Thats not a good thing. If things are going right for you,them be humble and modest. Its because of Allah's doing that a person could have all those nice traits. But being "too confident" as you say could mean that you believe that you accomplised all these things. I understand why men could be a little angry about this. Also, i think that there is no reason in the world to be proud of being "physically beautiful",since you are born with your looks and did nothing to achieve it. Remember this is MY opinion. So please dont start yelling or getting angry. :cool:

"6. Why you so nice to every other nationality and rude to ur somali brothers?" LOOOOOOOOOOOOL! Yeah right! Somalis i think are one of the most racist people in the world. The fact is that they are racist to their own people and own race, depending on skin tones, and furthermore hate all other nationallities as well.

"If a gal is shy, its really big problem" I dont think so! I think what the world needs right now is more shy girls. It is definetly not a problem. Shyness, as the prophet(SCW) said is one of the virtues of Islam.