An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant named Billy, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, Billy came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, ''Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

BLONDE COOKING MONDAY It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

There was a survey taken in the state of texas. The question was: "how do you feel about illegal immigrants?" 1% said "hate it" 5% said "dont mind" 94% said "¿que?"

I was picking my nose the other day when it started to bleed. My know it all wife said, "Serves you right for sticking your finger up there." The next day she started her period and guess what I told her.

*Blessed;712101 wrote: I'm telling you girl, I end up eating have the stuff myself. I've got a right sweet tooth. I like no cook recipes, like banana banoffee, tiramisu, tarts but I often make cupcakes with my little one. I love apple crumble too. Yum. I'm craving some now. What are you into? That sounds all mmm. I've never tried the banana banoffee. It looks delish though. Mind putting up the recipe for that sometime? (: I often make (chocolate) bundt cake. Love it. Oh and my mum loves apple cake, so I do that one very often.

loooll Zack, me and the rest of the worldwide viewers won't tell. Where does it come out in June?

I am waiting for the Iphone 5 ...

Looll @ Blessed. Waa runtaa. What kind of desserts do you make?

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN (please take notes guys) 1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an ***** and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint . Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*CK YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

I've heard this one, slightly different though. ^^

Helloo there walaalayaal ^^

The new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ''Everyone who thinks they're ******, stand up!'' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ''Do you think you're ******, Larry?'' ''No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!''

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company. The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Showqi;710310 wrote: Hahahaha, no one will shake hands with that Cabbie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Ms MoOns JB aa bareejaysay abayadiis.......... loooll, the first time I read this I laughed my socks off. Brilliant.

Nice Prank A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Things we've learned from movies: 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her 3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread 4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving 5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty 6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do 7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris 8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds 9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare 10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm 11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them 12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames 13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium 14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth 15. All single women have a cat 16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant 17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one 18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated 19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident 20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor 21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back 22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish 23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them 24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other 25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery nvolving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape 26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday 27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off 28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting 29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty 30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

The Zack;710289 wrote: Ms I know I got that part but the dude prolly had funny voice so he was already sick of being called a lady or a child when people hear his voice on the phone lol. Maybe I am reading too much into this but it is freaking funny either way. Ahaha, ow alright. Yep, it is really funny.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away ... "We're down here ."

Pregnancy and Birth Advice: Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Q. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after finishing high school. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A. Childbirth Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational A. So what’s your question? Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two. Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you. Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again? A. When your child is in college

Loooll Zack, noo the husband misunderstand the doctor. The doctor was actually referring to the baby

Rudy awoowe, you belong to the old generation of chicken legs with size XXXL or Michael Jackson trousers. Don't hate on the younglings, for we dress for our beauty-queens, not our pals at the Maqaayad; a hot steamy room full of intoxicated men, talk about being in the closet, JEEZ!! Loooll, Chi, BURN.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, ''You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, ''You b*st*rd.'' The judge says, ''You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.'' The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, ''You god-damned b*st*rd.'' The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, ''Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?'' The guy in the back of the court room stands up and says, ''For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b*st*rd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!''

After 20 years of marriage, a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up, and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, ''This is what your wife needs atleast three times a week. Can you do this?'' After a moment the husband replies, ''Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.''