You know your a moron when you ask where the "any key" is!!! You Know your a moron when someone calls you on the cell phone and you say "how did you know where I am?" How do you know when a moron has been making chocolate chip cookies? There are M&M shells on the floor! You know your a moron when you trip over the cordless phone! How did the moron try to kill a fish? He tried to drown it! Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge? He wanted to check his airbrakes! Why can't a moron dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone! How did the moron try to kill a bird? He threw it off a cliff! Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall? Because it felt so good when he stopped ! How do you drown a moron? Put scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool! Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair! Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast? Because the orange juice carton said Concentrate! What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back! How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner! If a moron & an idiot fell off a building, who would land first? The idiot...the moron would stop and ask for directions! How can you tell when a moron has been using the computer? There is white-out all over the screen! What did the moron say when he saw cheerios? Oh Look, Doughnut seeds! How do you keep a moron in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow! Why can't a moron make kool-aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into that little pack! Why did the moron get fired from the M&M factory?Because he threw away all the W's!

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes. "Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news! The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm and an eye."

That's a very unusual comment comming from the girl with the Diamond Ring Avatar

Yeah you're right, it seems all the people with no 'opinion articualtion skills' decided to check in and be heard.

Better start now and have as many as you can before you start shooting blanks

when my kid is a teenager, I need to be able to play ball with him. I think I'll let my family life dictate my career ambitions and not vice versa.

That's a slanted question. No one can answer that. Good or bad is a perception someone else has of me. Day in day out I do the same thing and think the same way. whether it's good or bad is a decision YOU make. Unless you're asking us to make a sales pitch in which case I would want to see the colour of your currency.

Maybe she didn't know her little girl could handle that........

I see Tagane had to "bootleg" some stuff.....Thats cool, I do a little bottlegging myself

Eight year old boy asks his mother how old she is. She replies, “It’s none of your business.” He asks how tall she is, and how much she weighs. She replies the same. He asks why she and Daddy got divorced. The same reply. He goes out to play with his friend and relates the incident. His friend tells him he can get that information off of his mother’s drivers license. Later, after sneaking into her purse, the young boy confronts his mother. “Mother, you are 30 years old, you’re 5’4“ tall and weigh 135 pounds!!” “Well, Smarty-Pants,“ she replies, “if you’re so smart, why did your dad and I get divorce?” “That’s easy! You got an ‘F’ in Sex!”

Reverend McGillicuddy invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing, how attractive and shapely the young, slender, housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more, going-on, between Reverend McGillicuddy and the housekeeper, than met the eye. Almost reading, the young priest's thoughts, Reverend McGillicuddy volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking. But I assure you, my relationship with the housekeeper is purely professional." About a week after the dinner, the housekeeper came to Reverend McGillicuddy and said, "Father, ever since that young priest came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Father said, "I'm sure he did not. But I will write him a letter, just to be sure." Later that evening, when he was alone, he sat down and wrote: Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DID take a gravy ladle, from my house, and I'm not saying, you DID NOT. But the fact remains, one has been missing since you were here for dinner. Reverend McGillicuddy Several days later, Reverend McGillicuddy received a letter from the young priest, which read: Dear Father: I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not. But the fact remains, if you were sleeping in your ownbed, you would have found the "misplaced" ladle by now.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you must be sure to satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?” “The doctor said you're going to die.”

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of champagne didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this champagne and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence Software documentation New York culture Extinct life Sweet sorrow Childproof “Now, then...” Synthetic natural gas Christian scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force New classic Temporary tax increase French bravery Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance Microsoft Works

Answer these questions to the best of your knowledge. Now don't cheat and peek before you answer them. Then scroll on down to check the correct answers. You'll be surprised! What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? What does a dog do that you can step into? What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND READ THE ANSWERS What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? "Talk." What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? Legs. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? A twenty dollar bill. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? Firetruck. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? "Bunt," "hunt," "runt," "punt," "aunt." What does a dog do that you can step into? Pants. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? A fork. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? An Almond Joy candy bar. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? Grit. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? His last name.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of the US is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there messing around on the Internet !!

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.” This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded, “My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’ “My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation. “My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up. “My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.’ “My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. “My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. “My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job. “My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it. “My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’ “My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. “My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. “My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was....Gosh, I miss him! “So now, I have married a lawyer — I know I’m going to get screwed.”

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Where upon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.” “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant. “We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager. “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired. “Simple,” said the Department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be very, very high up

Is there free food to go with that?

What women really want is a guy who'll take the time to try and figure out what she wants...when in reality, most of the time there isn't that much to figure out.

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life a new meaning. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"