Battle of the Sexes

[HONEY-D]

^^^MEN^^^

 

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The Next day he received a hundred letters that all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

 

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

 

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

 

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

 

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

 

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Many say monogamy is the same.

 

Marriage is a three ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

 

Why do brides wear white at the wedding?

So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.

 

 

 

^^^^ WOMEN^^^^

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

 

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

 

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

 

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

[Jacaylbaro]