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Abtigiis

Love through Drone?

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Abtigiis   

I used to hear from other people and used to wonder if it is true. I am talking about people who call random numbers just to talk to the opposite sex. This is usually the case in some towns in Somalia, and the wayfarer I am, I end up in these towns from time to time.

 

It was Saturday. I spent the Friday night watching TV to escape loneliness and decided to sleep late. I slept at about 1:30 a.m. Usually, I must sleep for at least 7-8 hours a day.

 

I know when Napoleon was asked how many hours people need to sleep, he said: "Six for a man, seven for a woman, and eight for a fool".

 

Because I know I am not a woman, it means I am a fool. But both my mother and my wife say I am not one. Some of my friends say so too. So, Napolean must have forgotten some nuances to his rule.

 

Anyway, my phone rang at about 5:45 a.m in the morning. I was very upset I forgot to put it on silence. And as always I keep my phone next to my pillow, because I can't sleep if I am not listening to radio - usually BBC (not Somali). But, because I did not recognize the caller, I thought maybe it is an emergency. I rubbed my eyes and took the call.

 

This is the conversation that followed.

 

"hello", a woman's voice.

 

"hello, wa ayo?" I could sense there is no emergency, hence my abrasiveness.

 

“Waa anigee. Ima garanaysid?” a sort of laughter…, “I could not sleep because of an enticing dream”. “Maad ila yaabtay…?”

 

War anagaa wax aragnay, was the first word that invaded my mind.

 

I lifted myself up and sat on the edge of the bed properly. The initial reaction was to insult her and off the phone. But then one of my longstanding weaknesses has been talking harshly to women, especially to those who are not married to me. So, I cooled down.

 

And then my mood transformed… from calmness to cheekiness. Why don’t I see where this takes her…and me.

 

“haye.”, I said.

 

“de what haye?! …wax na seexiyaan rabnaa!?”: She.

 

“So do you know me?”: I.

 

After few exchanges on this, I gathered that this is somehow who has no clue nor cares about the identity of who she is talking to.

 

“Ok, i noo wad. What I can do for you now?”

 

“I want to feel like a woman. I want a man” she said.

 

Ma saasaa? Ok, I dhagayso.

 

And without shouting at her, I took a leaf from my trademark civilized and courteous lectures.

 

“Dear Ceebla,

 

I have no idea why you think a stranger can help you. Nor do I know why you wake up people who are sleeping, and particularly me, for I have not registered myself as "amicus female genitals" when I bought this number from a local telephone center.

 

As you know, I have not seen you, so you would agree that I cannot be having a carnal urge simply because I heard a feminine voice. I don’t even know if you are a woman. In the phone, I treat all strangers as androgynous – neither male nor female.

 

As you also know, for all its greatness and imagination, one field in which technology has failed, is the art of surmounting the impossibility of remote love-making.

 

Unlike urgent espionage matters, or office communications, it cannot be handled by teleconferences, by skype, by emails, by text… by face time. Like courts demand of prison authorities when they are unsure of the welfare of the detained, it requires a habeas corpus – the physical presentation of the prisoner in penal law, the physical attendance of the lover in matters of passion.

 

I am sure you know advances have been made in the field of counter-terrorism, and today enemies thousands of miles away get wiped out by a man chewing nuts and using a keyboard. But even this aeronautical ingenuity fell short of addressing our present need. There are no ‘Drone’ phalluses that can fly, make a woman feel like a woman, and then return to their base. I am not even sure if they will be a good idea, for I believe they will be afflicted by the same side-effect of real drones, which is indiscriminate shelling that destroy lives and families.

 

So, please let me go back to sleep; as for you, please seek home-grown, local solutions to your problem.

 

Thank you and good bye for now. "

 

P.S. 75% authentic story.

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underdog   

Safferz;955455 wrote:
Brilliant
:D
This has happened to me a few times, but I always hang up immediately.

Why hang up? sounds amusing. you could miss out on prince charming blind-dialing in the middle of the night.

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Safferz   

underdog;955464 wrote:
Why hang up? sounds amusing. you could miss out on prince charming blind-dialing in the middle of the night.

I find it strange, and a little sad.

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Taleexi   

Ahhaa, priceless. U penned and summed it up artistically in here "There are no ‘Drone’ phalluses that can fly, make a woman feel like a woman, and then return to their base." - This is a homework for the gigs, nerds and gurus of Silicon Valley for the years to come. Keep 'm coming.

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Abtigiis   

Even if they manufacture the desired 'passion drones', I am sure feminists will lobby for sophisticated control and monitoring devices to forestall any advantages menfolk may drive from this technological breakthrough. :D

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Abtigiis;955446 wrote:
I can't sleep if I am not listening to radio - usually BBC (not Somali). But, because I did not recognize the caller, I thought maybe it is an emergency. I rubbed my eyes and took the call.

i'm exactly the same, inaar. who needs love through a drone when you've got Brigitte Kendall (the forum) on the radio. :P:cool:

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Taleexi   

Gender war shall carry on. Each group must fight to their inalienable rights until mutually beneficial settlement surfaces. Since human inception these two mysterious opposing species have never been in harmony in a grand scale and if history means anything the future looks bleak :)

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wyre   

may allah hve mercy on me, how many times have i done that,,,,,

 

Abtigiis aniga haddaan hurdo tel la iga soo waco asaga iyo battery ga waaban kala dhigaa inaan qabto iska daa eh

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NGONGE   

I understand that you were sleeping and were not in the mood for such a call. But if this was in the middle of the afternoon, I would have urged you to play along and see what twisted stories you get out of such callers.

 

I remember we used to get lots of such calls back in the 80s and 90s. In your case, at least the woman did speak to you. The old calls used to go something like this:

 

Phone rings and you pick up.

 

You: Hello. Hello. HelloOOOOoooo!

 

Caller: ....

 

You: Is anyone there?

 

Caller:.......

 

You: Ok. Lets play a game. Breath into the phone once if you're female and twice if you're male

 

Caller: Huuh

 

You: You're female then? Ok, breath once if yes and twice if no.

 

Caller: Huuh

 

You: Are you underage? Breath once if yes, twice if no.

 

Caller: Huuh..Huuh

 

The (one sided) conversation goes on in such a way for another half hour. By which time this prank caller is relaxed enough to breath once or twice on the phone until we get into a tricky question where she forgets herself and actually talks. That's when you laugh and hang up! :D

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Abtigiis   

Ngonge, I was not in the mood for games. Had a bad headache because I did not sleep well. :D :D

 

Anyway, you see strange things nowadays. I gave my business card to a young girl I met in a meeting in one of my journey's to Somalia. I met the person in meetings a couple of times more. As far as I am concerned, I did not show any interest in the person, giving the business card was part of the routine I do with work partners I meet.

 

Few months later, the lady called and said "you are lost". "Waa lagu waayey", as if she and I were waking up from the same bed for many moons. :D Then, I blushed and said, "mayee, waan joogaa, ee side tahay adigu." Then, got a very amusing and memorable answer which still makes me laugh.

 

"While you are here, I can be of use in terms of keeping you abreast of how life is in this town (xaalada magaalada iyo waayaha ka jra anigaa kula socod siin kara). So, never hesitate to give me calls when you feel lonely." :D

 

As if this wasn't amusing, after several weeks, I received another call, and I said "you are lost. Laguma arag baryahan."

 

Then she said something super, super hilarious and odd.

 

(I wrote what she said...but then took it out, because if that girl somehow is on this site, the words I wrote will confirm to her who is being talked about!). I have bad experience as STOIC knows and I have learned my lessons. Any of the things I wrote above will not give a clue to the person, but if I finish the story, it will become very clear to the person. :D I can tell you in private message, hadaad rabtid. :D

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