Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners

[thalamus]

Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners

By Rabi'ah Hakeem

 

In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock

and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It

is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional

Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married

three or four times, their children suffering again and again through

the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a

few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in

the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine

pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the

following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).

 

1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in

the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it

necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for

guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.

 

2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar'

which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the

prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind,

which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For

many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.

 

3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he

interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is

he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his

culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this

marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience

(greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.

 

4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is

permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing'

someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for

this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's

conditions, where two per- sons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are

meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without

violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his

nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to

live with.

 

5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just

one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him

from various people, not just from his friends because they may

conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his

background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters

as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad';

whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with

people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship

he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children;

what his personal habits are, etc. And find out about his plans for

the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has

told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for

the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his

attitudes toward money and possessions and the like. If you can't get

answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him

yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you

want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before

marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards

forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to

women as to men).

 

6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents, brothers

and sisters. What will his obligations be to them in the future? How

will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What

are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they

live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his

prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the case in

most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often crucial to

the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these questions

need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.

 

7. Understand each other's expectations. Try to get a sense of your

prospective partner's under- standing of the marriage relationship,

how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as

his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly and

unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources

of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up

beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person

you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations,

such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when

children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels

about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing,

whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family

and yours, and other vital issues.

 

8. See him interacting with others in various situations. The more

varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective

partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with

people and circumstances.

 

9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is and whether it is

compatible with your own. This is a very important matter. Is he

expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this

point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a new

Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are

your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to

accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very

restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends

to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so

there will be no misunderstandings later.

 

10. Don't be in a hurry. So many marriages have broken because the

partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such

vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking

as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and

then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common

place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of

marriage casualties because you couldn't take time or were too

desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person

with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.

 

11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of

my children? If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over

again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for

life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person

in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent,

you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children

without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in

the future.

 

12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.

Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again,

allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the

Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are

not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good

marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual

practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances

are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam.

Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins

between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and

these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective

partner.

 

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in

exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). Such marriages are

expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,

as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being

permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.

 

If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of making a

mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised.

 

Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter, perhaps the most

serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner

can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the

tests of this life and, consequently, in the Here- after. This

decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly

seeking guidance from your Lord.

 

If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for

happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the

matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and

has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He

will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur'an enjoins,

you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part

you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.

 

Two words addressed to brothers arc In order here. If you are marrying

or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient

and supportive with her. Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances

are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari'ah at

once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of

early Islam. In your wife 's efforts to conform herself to her new

faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love,

help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders.

It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner

being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or

that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready

to follow certain Islamic injunctions. If the changes come from within

herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if

she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may

always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it.

You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many

Muslims apply those parts of the Qur'an or Sunnah which suit them and

abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives

and children. Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands, you

should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with

the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show

your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every

possible means. This will cause her to love and respect you, your

culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating,

forceful approach ever could.

 

Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which

women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah),

have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may

be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely

individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall

into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or

promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything

the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is

wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know

her.

 

Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life,

for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of

a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame

if things go wrong.

 

 

Back to Path to Islam ...

[Strawberry_Xu]

This is really interesting, thanks for taking the time to share this.

 

It's really good practical advice, especially the bit about compatibility in the ways of practicing Islam.

 

The advice I usually receive is limited to "Make sure he prays every day, the rest doesn't matter."

 

The emphasis tends to be on getting married, without much regard to the type of partner or even the type of marriage that one needs.

 

ANyway, thanks again.

[Nationalist]

Thank you Thalamus. Highly appreciate it.

 

I can't find an interesting article about how to treat your wife as a muslim. That one was the most helpful advice on this subject I ever saw in front of my nose.

[Passion_4_Fashion]

this is the most beneficial topic I have ever read in sol/general. Highly appreciate it thalamus....may the Almighty reward you for that insha-allah, and may allah make us those who follow these advices.

 

I have enjoyed reading it, therefore thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

jazakallah kheyr for sharing it with us

 

may allah guide us all to the straight path insha-allah (aamiin)

[Warrior of Light]

Jazkhallah Kheir Thalamus,

Very informative article.

 

Thanks again.

 

Nationalist I found this book informative too.

 

‘The Muslim Marriage Guide’ - Quilliam Press Ltd.

(ISBN: 1 872038 11 5. 141pp £5.95).

Advice for those contemplating marriage, or for those whose marriages are stale or struggling. Includes some frank advice. A less explicit version has been published by Goodword Books, New Delhi, available from IPCI, 481,Coventry Rd, Birmingham, B10 OJS.

 

Written by:Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

 

Here is one of her articles: Can we be halal friends?

http://www.islamfortoday.com/ruqaiyyah10.htm

[Warrior of Light]

Like to add this

Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner

Some of the questions sound far fetched. But there is a need to be realistic as the union with that particular person does not end on earth but continues in the hereafter Inshallah.

[BOB]

Thalamus, thanks very much for sharing it with us my Sister.

 

Well, call me an extremist ( I could be as i am the son of what many in here call Al Ittihad) but in my opinion I think there are few problems that cause our marriages to fail. This is my theory.

 

 

1-it's very rare these days to see two Somali couple praying 5 times day. we simply abandoned our religion which we know is a way of life.

 

2-there are a whole lot of Somalis whose parents' marriage were arranged and I am not against the good old way but the arranged marriages of today is pathetic to say the least because the arranged marriages of today involve in a guy or a girl that belong to same bloody tr!be? where is the love and guarantees in that when your mother forces you to marry a girl that you never met just because her family pay the qaaraanka and love their tr!be? Let's be honest here.i am glad my parents don't believe in that rubbish.

 

 

3.most marriages are over the top, I mean you have music, half naked girls dancing all over the place, shaking their rear end and stuff and then there's the extra large cake (some villages in Somalia could live on it for few days)with flower girls and oh my god, rings and then kiss? Just tell me if I described a Muslim wedding or Christian wedding now?

 

4-most guys don't even know that there's some one waiting for them at home, who cooked him a delicious meal, cleaned for him and is anxious to see him again, Waryaa, remember the girl could get food and a place to sleep at their house Nacasyahow so what are you doing at this time of the night still playing damn cards and domino?

Brothers, come on, we all have friends, but a friend who keeps you from your wife is a friend that you can do without, trust me on this one. If you chew, go and chew at your house next to your wife, because what you are doing is totally against Islamic way of life.

 

I can go on forever and I am not even married yet but all my friends have been nicked,so I know what causes the arguments...Sisters stop demanding lavish weddings please, the man loves you already, that's why he's marrying you plus a lavish wedding doesn't guarantee you a happiness and a long lasting marriage, does it?

I know there will be nothing lavish about my wedding Insha Allah, plus NO MUSIC at all..Sssshhhh...but don't tell my lovely Lady I said that Pleaseeeee. .

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[Rahima]

I could be as i am the son of what many in here call Al Ittihad

Join the club , only that I am a daughter of one, and not an extremist, rather a Muslim who hopefully holds firm to the rope of Allah. Extremism is anti-Islam.

 

1-it's very rare these days to see two Somali couple praying 5 times day. we simply abandoned our religion which we know is a way of life.

Really, where? Most Somalis I know pray 5 times a day.

 

Sisters stop demanding lavish weddings please

What makes you think it’s always the sisters-I’ve seen a few brothers wanting the whole shebang .

 

Anyway JZK to all those who contributed, informative indeed.

[BOB]

Sister Rahima (I feel like I am talking to myself here..LoooL)

 

The word extremist is a term mainly used by the western propaganda machine to describe those who in the eyes of the other Muslims are obedient to the almighty lord as they pray 5 times a day, fast in the month of Ramadan, pay Zakkaah, refrain from any form of sin be it verbally or physically and so on and so forth but unfortunately in the eyes of the westerners these humble people will be considered to be "Terrorists" and these days its becoming fashionable among the young Muslims as well to use and label that word on any one who is faithful to his creator. ( I didn't say I am an extremist mind you)

 

My Sister, I wasn't by any means referring to your friends or those around you who pray 5 times a day as there are a whole lot more Somalis living across the globe that can't even remember the last time they prayed let alone being consistent with Salat,I know what I am talking about as I used to be one of them too using that old tried and tested Somali saying "Sheikh Shariif Ma Dhalo" but Alhamdulillaah today I am totally a changed man with a strong faith thanks to Allah and to my old man and some one else who's very special to me.

 

about the lavish wedding, most of the time it's the sisters demanding it and you know it, any guy who does it is simply a show off, in my opinion at least!

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[juba]

Originally posted by BOB:

3.most marriages are over the top, I mean you have music, half naked girls dancing all over the place, shaking their rear end and stuff and then there's the extra large cake (some villages in Somalia could live on it for few days)with flower girls and oh my god, rings and then kiss? Just tell me if I described a Muslim wedding or Christian wedding now?

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

ur other points were good bro but how in the hell does a slightly extravagant wedding destroy a marriage? yea its expensive but its YOUR WEDDING! (no need for rings and flower girls tho and whats wrong witht a kiss its ur wife remember)

[BOB]

Originally posted by juba:

how in the hell does a slightly extravagant wedding destroy a marriage? yea its expensive but its YOUR WEDDING! (no need for rings and flower girls tho and whats wrong witht a kiss its ur wife remember)

Little extravagant and expensive don't go together my Sister!

 

I know she is my wife but do I have to kiss her in public for every one to see? Have you gone to or seen a Somali wedding lately? If you haven't then you have no idea what is going on these days..not that I am saying I do attend every wedding in town but I have seen videos from all over the world, from US to UK and who knows I might have seen some of the girls in here in one of those weddings! :cool: :cool: .

 

The point I am trying to stress here is since we are Muslims we should have a good old Muslim wedding where we don't have to commit a sin, meaning playing a loud music and allowing boys and girls to mix and dance the night away, why do we have to imitate anybody else?

 

When I am marrying the girl that I love, I don't have to prove anything to anybody else by throwing the most expensive wedding in town, if she doesn't know how much she means to me then she shouldn't marry me in the first place.

 

I gave you the most expensive gift anyone can ever wish for which is my love and i thaught that true love is PRICELESS.

 

Peace, Love & Unity.

[juba]

ok point taken on the wedding part(somali weddings r getting a little scary),but i still don't see how it contributes to a failing marriage which was ur original argument. just trying to clarify here.

[thalamus]

Alright ladies and gentleman, I think you guys have made your points about Somali weddings obviously. But the whole point of this topic is to help my fellow brothers and sisters in choosing a prospective partner, and not to quarrel amongst ourselves

 

Thanks

[Wiilo]

Thalamus Jizaakallaah Kheyr for posting this great article,,,,,,,

 

I think Faith and comparibility is most important elements for me when it comes to marriage, again Jizaakallaah Kheyr,,,,,,,

 

 

Wabillaah:................

[BOB]

Originally posted by juba:

i still don't see how it contributes to a failing marriage which was ur original argument. just trying to clarify here.

Ok Juba, this is my point!

 

When you have a wedding that resembles a non-believer's wedding rather than a believer you've already eliminated the Islamic principles out of what supposed to be your journey of a life time because playing music in your wedding or anywhere else and encouraging people to dance and wear revealing clothes and rub their bodies to or against each other is Haram and we all know where there's music there's Sheitan and you invited him into your house hold.

 

I understand what you are saying but do you honestly think that a wedding where music is played and a wedding started and ended with verses from the holy Quran could be the same?

 

It's tough to have a relationship as it is and marriage is no different especially these days so all I am trying to say here is people should put on Qur'an instead of music and pray for a long lasting and a happy marriage and we all know that doesn't cost you a quarter of what the music will cost you.

 

PS. Thalamus...we are not quarreling, we are only exchanging ideas and trying to expand each other's horizon however I am sorry I didn't mean to undermine the true meaning of this wonderful topic.I apologize. I am Out.

 

 

Peace, Love & Unity.