Somali Muslim Matrimonials....The Divorce Rate..Solutions

[Arawella]

A relationship is like an infant; it requires nurturing, guidance, trust and love. A marriage should be seen as an investment and both parties should aim to achieve the perfect yield. According to Mr Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly effective People) for the golden eggs it is imperative that a balance of P (production)/PC (production capacity) exist in a relationship whether marriage or other.

[Sharmarkee]

Salam,

 

Salaam,

 

In this thread I get the impression that Our Women are not happy with us, and they are looking else where for love, marriage, and a family nest, I guess mutual respect is the best medicine of both sides, besides Somali men need to change and redress the wounds, respect the wife, instill confidence and self- Sufficiency, provide to the family, bring decency, hardworking and honesty to the house. After that we can see if the list shrinks!

 

BTW Renedevous,

 

This is one-sided argument where is the list of Somali men looking for a blonde and blue-eyed wife; there should be a list somewhere in the net, could be that, men’s are longer than this ……marka maxa lagu wada hadlayaaba.

[AbStraCt]

what are YOU doing looking at Matrimonial adds horta........

 

Am i the only one asking myself this question?

[AbStraCt]

I think the men in SOL should take it upon themselves to wed these women...........

 

 

So......who wants number 5

[Haneefah]

Originally posted by S.O.S:

1) Heeran = Gabdhaha u kaco dhul kale haday deegaankooda rag ka waayaan, dhaqankuna wuxuu caadadiisu ahaa in reerka/degaanka ay soo martiyaan gabdhahaa u guuriyaan; ceeb bay ahaan jirtay in gabdhahaa loo guurinwaayo kadibna degaan ama reer kale u sii gudbaan.

Yaa? Ma kaa dhab baa huuno, weligey ma maqal dhaqankan. I was under the impression in dhaqankeeni hore eynan gabdhuhu hadlan karin, yacni 'nin' afkooda maba eynan soo marin jirin xishood dartii macdalaa iney meel kale u haajiraan nin doodoonid darteed? perhaps this was only common in certain regions?

 

Somali men need to change and redress the wounds, respect the wife, instill confidence and self- Sufficiency, provide to the family, bring decency, hardworking and honesty to the house.

True!

 

I think both parties are equally responsible for performing their roles and knowing their own rights and that of their partner, as well trying their best not to cross the boundaries. It all boils down to knowing one's own religion and principles well and implementing them. Islam provides clearcut solutions to all of these social problems we seem to be struggling with, however, most ppl are unfortunately not too familiar with the basic Islamic teachings (or have abandoned their religious duties) let alone understand thoroughly how our diin prepares us for every stage of our lives and how to solve any potential difficulties in all walks of life as we're only human beings who are very well prone to err.

 

Here's a lecture on A WIFE by Shaikh Abdullah Adhami (an amazing shaikh):

 

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

 

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice.

 

She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

 

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "They are your garments and you are their garments." (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

 

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala,

 

"And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an,

 

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

 

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said

 

"One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

 

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

 

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

 

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

 

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said,

 

"The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

 

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

 

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death.

 

It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."

[RendezVous]

Somali men need to change and redress the wounds, respect the wife, instill confidence and self- Sufficiency, provide to the family, bring decency, hardworking and honesty to the house.

True!

 

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

 

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice.

She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

 

The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

 

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating.

Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said

 

"One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

 

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

 

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

 

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

 

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said,

 

"The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

 

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

 

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death.

[/QB]

One of the best Lecture so far on SOL..Thank you Abraar.I am sure many Nomads are following the main issues in the lecture.

 

Abraar: Jazaakallah!!

[RendezVous]

Originally posted by Abraar:

I honestly don't see a reason why you should have to quote real personal ads in order to convey your message of high divorce rates, and then have the nerve to claim you were 'put off' by certain ones...waaku sidee walal?

 

This is a social ill that is obviously becoming increasingly prevalent in our community, and whilst I agree with you that it should be discussed amongst ourselves, we should do so in a positive manner and without having to address a particular gender.

 

Salam

I agree with you Abraar but for once...

[-Lily-]

What's lacking in marriages is Love. If the going gets tough, it's easy to call it quits if there is nothing to hold you back.

[Katrina]

^Dear Lily,

Who needs love? The true prerequists of marriages are qabiil, $$$ (or the deception of $$$), lack of integrity & morals, choosing a partner based on what he/she can do for them and always looking out for numuro uno!

When I see somali mothers and wives of 30-40yrs being kicked (literally) to the curbs for no other reason other than to bring in a younger model. I ask where is the loyalty ?

 

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

[-Lily-]

They are being 'kicked to the curb' as you call it because of lack of love. What is lotalty without love? I mean it works both ways, if it's not working out for you, and you have no emotional investments, its easy to walk through that door to singlehood without second though.

[Che -Guevara]

Originally posted by Katrina:

When I see somali mothers and wives of 30-40yrs being kicked (literally) to the curbs for no other reason other than to bring in a younger model. I ask where is the

loyalty ?

 

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

It is a relationship....People bound to get hurt. That rings true in all cultures. Even in the so called civilised west, women still got the short end of the stick. We could change the culture that promotes these Somali ills, and change the dynamics of our relationships or look for answers in other cultures just to find same abusive relationships. Somali women should fight their righful place and they could start by raising their boys not as spoiled little brats, but as equals to their sisters. We should stop "War Jikada Ka bax" mentality.

 

Lily----Dats true....There is nothing without love and respect

[Katrina]

Lily, I totally agree with you.

 

 

Che-Guevara your right someone always gets hurt in a relationship, regardless of the culture, but after several decades of marriage to women who where taught, by their mothers and grandmothers (wrongly might I add), to be obedient yet confident, meek yet strong, and the list goes on. To be kicked out with no due notice and for no legitiment reason other than the husband and father has an itch he needs to scratch with a chicklin is repulsive to me and sub-human. I mean must they find out by hearing it thru the grapevine or going to the motherland only to find the maid is now the woman of her house. Your right other cultures have the same problems as ours (W/focus on slight different issues) either way one's taking a chance somali or non-somali. I'll stop and chng directions for now coz your not the enemy if anything else you might be the solution. Are you :confused: . loool Well, I've been watching you and I like the way you think.

 

Somali women should fight their righful place and they could start by raising their boys not as spoiled little brats, but as equals to their sisters. We should stop "War Jikada Ka bax" mentality.

How about you and I add our cards together and try and make a difference? Anywayz, I'm fighting for my rights (as you mentioned)and think your an ideal candidant based on your view. Me think your ripe for the picking, unless another halimo or Betty has beat me to the punchline. :mad:

 

So what say you? Are you willing to whip some nomad boys into shape? *Food for thought* wait at least 30 yrs to kick me to the curb.

 

PS. My only request is a 27''by 41'' photo.

[Castro]

Originally posted by Katrina:

Well, I've been watching you and I like the way you think.

:eek: Stalker alert!

[Haneefah]

well well, this has got be the best proposal put forth in my 3 long yrs of stay on this board. Bravo to Kat, waxaas baa gabadh lagaa yidhaa! I hope Che is man enough to do something quickly

 

Rendezvous, wa iyaaki walal. And surely, you'll come around to agreeing with me more often...don't rush

[Che -Guevara]

Originally posted by Katrina:

 

quote:

---

your right someone always gets hurt in a relationship, regardless of the culture, but after several decades of marriage to women who where taught, by their mothers and grandmothers (wrongly might I add), to be obedient yet confident, meek yet strong, and the list goes on. To be kicked out with no due notice and for no legitiment reason other than the husband and father has an itch he needs to scratch with a chicklin is repulsive to me and sub-human. I mean must they find out by hearing it thru the grapevine or going to the motherland only to find the maid is now the woman of her house. Your right other cultures have the same problems as ours (W/focus on slight different issues) either way one's taking a chance somali or non-somali

I agree with yu there. Laakin waxii dhacay waa dhaceen....n there is little we could do about that. We could however influence the future through our own dealings with each other. We know what's wrong. So lets fix it. Each one of us can be a force for change. N we could this by demanding our dues....Expect no less and at the same time, give no less. Somalis internalize things. I don't think anyone shouldn't hold their tongue hadii lagu kur tumanaayo. Somali women have paid their dues, and it is time they demand their righful place.

N your are right. We are taking chances whether it is Somali or non-Somali. I guess the questiom is who you wanna take the chance with. Is it Jamac or John. If it is John and you fancy him..That's perfectly fine, Just beware Isba Bili Aadan uu yahay.. n still put your best foot forward by projecting everything that's all good in you as person, your family and culture. Let John know that you are person with a history and proud heritage. If you however fancy Jamac, let him know your expectations and consider his. If it works well. Do raise family where the boys gabdha ladhasahy ixtiraa maan and you could saving a couple of future Somali mothers and wives a lot headaches.

 

if anything else you might be the solution. Are you :confused: . loool Well, I've been watching you and I like the way you think.

I like the way you approach things as well, and I hope that I could be it for my significant other. If I wanna find a good person, Iam of the belief I should be one first. So Kat, everything starts with da self.

 

How about you and I add our cards together and try and make a difference? Anywayz, I'm fighting for my rights (as you mentioned)and think your an ideal candidant based on your view. Me think your ripe for the picking, unless another halimo or Betty has beat me to the punchline. :mad:

So what say you? Are you willing to whip some nomad boys into shape? [/QB]

Iam touched and it is honor walaalshiis, but I have beautiful Xalimo dats rocking my world. Hopefuly She and I would be whipping some nomads into shape.Betty didn't get my moryooley jokes and refused to retire me in Kismayo. Wanted me to move down to Florida where old folks are ...so we split. Nice gal though.

 

*Food for thought* wait at least 30 yrs to kick me to the curb.

In thirty years, Kat would be in her prime, very beautiful and intectually vigirious, confident and very comfortable under skin, and if I might add years of experience under belt . Why would wanna anyone in their right mind wanna kick her to the curb. Iam telling you Odayaasha Somalida don't know what they are missing. I will still be kicking with my baby and so will Kat Inshallah. Besides, I can't see myself anoo la lagdamaaya gabar gabar aan dhalay leeg. Islaanteeda lagdintiida taqaan. I will be kicking with her

 

Castro...Rabshada jooji Yaan Havanna Kuugu Imaan